It is For Me

Major realization occurred today.

If you have ever read my blog before you know that I am not currently in an intimate relationship with anyone and that I have not been in, well let's just sum it up as a really long time.

Today I worked on a few things with my mom, who happens to be my best friend (just in case you didn't know that either). And she said this line, "It's ok to let someone in. How come you can stand on a stage and let 300 people see you but you cannot do it with one person?"

What a wonderfully pointed question! I began to speak and tears began to flow. I could not tell you when the last time was that I genuinly let someone in. It is so scary to me. Most people are terrified of standing on a stage in front of 300 people even if they do not have to speak! Whereas I can do that easily and I have a hard time really letting someone into my life. It doesn't even make sense!

And yet somehow it does. As I spoke I said something like this; "When I am on stage it is not about me. I am not there for me. I am there for the people in the audience. Yes I love doing what I do but I have permission to make a fool of myself if it means that they will get something out of it. When I am invested in a relationship now I am on the line in a way that I am not on stage. If the audience doesn't like me it's ok because I am not there for me. But if the person that I like and that I invest in doesn't like me I can get hurt."

HOLY! What a MAJOR realization that was. So what would it look like if I just went with the flow for once and allowed myself to experience me letting someone in? At this point I do not know what that looks like. However I am committed to allowing it. I am committed to showing up in whatever potential intimate relationship as authentically me as possible and allowing them to see who I really am- all the sides, not just the ones I think are worth showing!