Frustrating and Beautiful Realization

I am honestly not even sure where to start.

This past weekend was torture for me. I have not been in a student chair at a workshop in a long time. I will admit that I have become pretty used to being at the back of the room or at the front of the room. That is in no way to say that I am not learning when I am not in the middle, I actually feel like I am learning more. However, it was time to sit in the chairs again.

I attended a workshop called Personal Mastery Intensive, produced by Pathways Institute. It is impossible to tell you what happens or what you get or, well it's impossible to tell you anything about it actually because there is no structure. For a person who thrives on structure it was ridiculously challenging to deal with a weekend in full lack of it!

There were many times throughout the weekend that I wanted to walk out the door and not come back. That being said I had made a commitment. On the first evening the 'conductor' established ground rules and one of those ground rules was to be on time and to complete the workshop, all the way through until Sunday evening. Being committed to respect, integrity and confidence I could NOT bring myself to leave. I had given my word and that meant more to me than wanting or not wanting to be there.

I am extremely conflicted about that. I have two ways of showing up. The first is that I commit to something, it does not feel right- my gut is telling me perhaps this is not what you really want or need right now, I stick it out a little more because I committed and then somewhere along the way I get slapped in the face and I have to de-commit before I want to strangle someone. The second way is that I commit and I stick it out to the end regardless of how I feel, determined to stand by my word.

When do I do each?! Sometimes a situation requires me to walk away because although pain is inevitable, suffering is optional! At other times, like this weekend, I was so ready to walk because I didn't 'like' it. Had I walked away I would not have experienced and realized what my truest longing really is.

When I began the workshop I said that my deepest longing is to be in an intimate romantic relationship with another. Yesterday a beautiful older women who has lived much of her life in predominantly masculine energy stood up to share. The 'conductor' asked her to move, just dance to the music. Then she called up another woman, and then another, and then all the other females in the room were offered the option to join in. I stood up right away. I moved and was connecting, although I noticed that I was on the outskirts and I felt like I was also holding the container for these women who were in the center. I was neutralizing my own energy and balancing myself out, not fully feminine and not fully masculine.

Then the men were asked to stand and form a circle around the women, create the container for us and witness us. As SOON as the men were standing I began to cry. Even as I write this now I am overcome by emotion. I felt so held, cared for and safe in the 'arms' of these men that I allowed myself to fully step into my feminine energy.

My big AH, HA moment? I am longing for sisterhood connection and I am longing for a strong masculine container.

My even bigger AH, HA? I AM BOTH!!! I can be both of these for myself. This realization was HUGE! I can create my own very safe and support and loving container AND then I can free myself into full self-expression and creativity. I have been working on the creativity, however the container had been missing and now? Now I can begin to implement both in order to be more connected to myself! Which also means that I will no longer be looking outside for a man to hold that space. Will I be happy when one shows up? HELL YES! I just will no longer be dependent on that.