Emotional Changes

This is likely one of the hardest blog posts I have ever sat down to write and will likely result in a lot of tears for me as I write.

The last two days have been rocky at best as a description. The company I work for and have written about before several times, is undergoing changes. It's actually the only certain thing about this company, there will always be changes :)

What I do understand is that the perception of how we are going to be running our company is shifting. In this shifting there have been staffing changes. I am sad. I am glad. I am nervous. I am excited. I am honored. I am curious. I am thankful. I am uncertain. I am open. As you can see I am feeling a very broad and somewhat contradictory array of emotions.

I am sad that we have lost members of our family. To all of you; you know exactly who you are, I love you so much and I am forever grateful for all that I have learned from you. You have been part of my journey with this company and I will never forget how much each of you has done for me. I know that we are still connected as friends, even if not as co-workers in this context.

To my family that is still around I love you too. You are the reason I am still here. It has been your work ethic and abilities that have supported my growth as a leader in the way I needed it. You are my brothers and sisters; one of you literally.

I am excited, curious, nervous and uncertain about where the company can go from here, I am honored and glad that I have been chosen to stay on, I am thankful that I am taking the time to honor my way of processing and I am open to what comes next.

This week has clearly been emotionally charged. I am not sure how else to say it. When I look into the eyes of my family now and I see their love and open hearts and respect and honor from me reflected back I am almost instantly in tears. When I know I have a safe space to just say what I need to I am almost instantly crying or laughing or just silent.

I am discovering that there is magic is silence. When we had our call explaining what has happened the floor was open to either disconnect from the call and process on our own or stay on the call and ask whatever questions where coming up or share anything that was coming up. Nothing happened for a good 3 minutes, which I know sound short- when in silence though feels really really long. No one wanted to leave and no one wanted to say anything. When a family member's very wise voice echoed on the call saying something like, "There's nothing wrong with sitting in silence!"

I realize this is not actually silence; for me it is. I thank you for bearing with my emotional thought process. In the end what I have realized most is that I care deeply and that I love more deeply than I ever realized before.