Have you ever gone through something
and then replayed it over and over and over again in your mind, as if
you are watching a movie in a theatre? I feel like I have done this
my entire life. I will replay a moment or an event over and over
again in my mind and change or add details to see what could've
happened differently.
Now as I write this I am reminded of a
speaker that I have now seen speak three times. He has a theory
called the 15th row critic; and it's basically that we all
have a 15th row critic in our minds. Apparently movie
critics sit in the 15th row when they go watch a movie and
they critique- that is, after all, their job. If we all have these
critics how do we learn to deal with them?
My critic replays moments on the
screen, it rewinds them, pauses them, brightens them, slows them down
or speeds them up. Sometimes it flat out changes the events
themselves, adding more to the story line or taking things out,
ultimately changing the ending.
This critic morphing my life moments
happens more frequently when said moments involve guys. More
specifically guys that I happen to like. I create these stories in my
mind; the film screen, of what I want or how I want it to happen. And
when something else occurs I replay it over and over again trying to
change it into being what I really wanted.
As I write this now I feel how insane I
must sound! Admittedly when I got back to my room, from a night out recently, and debriefed my
evening with my roommate, I said to her, “I could've done more”
and she very poignantly asked, “Do you hear yourself?” And in
that moment I realized that I was INSANE!
Whatever happened, happened exactly as
it was meant to happen and I just have to let go and trust that. I am
far from perfect and just because something may or may not happen the
way I see it, or the way I would like to recreate it does not mean
that it did not happen absolutely perfectly!
I am a work in progress that's for
sure!
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