I am an Author

I wrote a book. I had written this book exactly two years ago this month. March of 2012 I completed the first draft. I was proud of the book. Proud but not ready to actually print the book and put it into the hands of others. I most certainly was not ready to say the words, “I am an author” to anyone- not even in my own head, to myself, where no one else would hear it!!!

This past November I attended a workshop called Publish A Book And Grow Rich. I will be completely transparent here, I just wanted to get whatever information they had to offer and had no intention of buying their package. I needed a kick in the ass to get me moving on printing my book. I got it.

The event began on Friday evening and our first piece of homework was to tell someone, “I am an author”. I had a really really hard time with it. I procrastinated like crazy. I couldn't even bring myself to tell the guys I was attending the workshop with! I just could not say the words out loud. Saturday morning, 20 minutes before I had to be back in the event room I wrote this post on Facebook:

As I hit post I could feel my body convulse in silent protest.
I shared my experience with the room that morning. I felt like I was out of integrity in saying that I was an author and I already had the book written. In my mind if it's not printed and out there for people to read I am not really an author. I was also dealing with the notion that I had no credentials that gave me a right to write a book called, “S-E-X: How did YOU learn to spell it?”

I was scared. I was scared of what people would think. I was scared of what people would say. I was scared people wouldn't want to read it. I was nervous. I was excited about the possibility of people loving the book and really wanting to support it- which incidentally is also scary because then how successful could I become? I was so many things all at once, many of which conflicted!

While at that event I made the commitment to have the book in print by January 31st 2014.

The month of January was all about getting the book ready. I working diligently on the formatting, having a very clear vision for how I wanted the book to look inside. When I finally got a clear vision of what I wanted the book to look on the outside I worked hand in hand with my friend and artist Katana DuFour and then my graphic designer responsible for getting the cover print ready Ray Wilkins. I got my ISBN number. I got my cataloguing information from libraries Canada. I submitted everything to CreateSpace, Amazon's publishing house, and ordered my first 80 copies on January 26th, 2014- to arrive at their destination by February 3rd!

When I held a copy of my book for the first time I was in awe. I thought I would scream, or jump up and down or react in some other large very Veronica way. I didn't. I just stood there starring at the book in my hands. I couldn't even believe it was real. It felt like if I moved it would disappear.

I have now sold roughly 50 copies of the book and I have received an overwhelming amount of positive feedback.

I am getting better at owning the title 'author' because I keep saying it. It's like any muscle, the more you work on it the stronger it gets.

Ladies and gentlemen I have something I would like to tell you... I am an AUTHOR! My book is “S-E-X: How did YOU learn to spell it?” You can purchase your copy here. Please make sure to let me know if you would like it autographed and to whom!

Love & Anger

Two weeks ago I attended a workshop called The Mastery of Self-Expression in Vancouver BC, I highly recommend it and if you can do it in Vancouver or Los Angeles; I kinda LOVE the facilitator that does those cities.

While attending this workshop I discovered a few things. The most notable of which is that Love & Anger are two sides of the same coin.

Love & Anger are two sides of the same coin. Two sides. Same coin. One doesn't exist without the other. Like hot and cold. Right and left.

As you can see I am still working on wrapping my brain around this. What I experienced though is the simple fact that if you are unable to really feel and express your anger then you are also unable to really feel and express your love. The truth is that they stem from the same place, it's called EMOTION!

Who are the people you get the most angry at? Are they the random people who cut you off in traffic? Or are they the people who you care so deeply about that you want to see succeed? Those people in traffic might get to you in the moment and if you don't let it go in that moment it gets carried home to the people you love the most.

Passion shows up as both love and anger. Passion is raw emotion that gets expressed one way or another.

I realized that I have been cutting off my emotional centre for many years. Not so much with my friends and family but certainly in the context of my intimate relationships. Although I have to admit that if how you do anything is how you do everything then I have not been allowing myself to be fully 'in' any of my relationships.

I discovered that I was actually really angry at my first boyfriend during the workshop. I thought I had dealt with it. I mean seriously we broke up 9- NINE- years ago!!! But I realized that back then I went into protection mode and I cut myself off from ever really feeling angry or sad or the sense of loss because I needed to survive and not care about him anymore. Over the last nine years I have cleared a LOT around that relationship. Yet low and behold when we were asked to write a letter to someone we were still angry or resentful towards he was the first person that came to mind and I had NO problem writing the letter.

I had been trying to deal with it in the 'enlightened' way and I had still never allowed myself to feel and express the anger and hurt I experienced. Well the workshop allowed me to do just that. I left everything in that room. I put everything I had into it; my voice, my body, my soul- everything. The next morning I woke up and felt like I had been hit by a train!

This week I am home. I felt compelled to message my ex and sit down with him. We have only sat down once 5 years ago when I was finally able to own up to the fact that our relationship wasn't all his fault and that I had played a part in it too. This time we sat and I wanted to fill in the gaps of what happened when we broke up and I went into protection mode. I wanted to heal. I wanted to apologize and I wanted to forgive. Forgive both him and myself.

We talked and honestly said what we needed to say. I discovered that we agree on when our relationship began to disintegrate and I now understand why. I apologize for being such a bitch at the end, no matter what was happening no ones deserves to be treated that way. I got to see that there are parts of him that I was attracted to and I can stop beating myself up for every getting involved. For so long I have been angry at myself for putting myself through all of it and now I am okay. We agreed that we were just so mean to each other and acknowledged our horrible behaviour, which you may think makes no difference nine years later but for me it does.

I left The Mastery of Self-Expression feeling re-energized and vibrant. I left my conversation with my ex feeling lighter and complete.

I would say that the month of February did exactly what I felt it would; it transformed me.



I know I have shared this song about a million times now but I am sharing it again. If you haven't heard it just listen and let it wash over you.

Vulnerability

Your taboo is the one thing that you don't want others to think of you as. It's a part of you that you tend to not acknowledge. It also happens to be the part of you that if you are willing to risk people thinking of you as it you are able to step into greatness.

For example, someone who's taboo is being seen as greedy would have a hard time selling their product or service, because they don't want people to think that they are being greedy. However, when they are willing to have someone perceive them as being greedy (this does not mean that they are actually greedy) then they are able to sell and therefore they are able to help and serve more people.

My taboo is being seen as being too intimate or vulnerable. I have no problem owning the darker parts of myself; my bitch, my slut, my selfishness or my loudness. I have an issue letting people in. I mean like really sitting and being open, raw and leaving my heart on the table.

How does this actually translate the way greed does? Well when I am open and allow the universe to speak through me and really use me I can see through people and what they are not saying. I can feel into them and I suddenly have questions to ask that trigger the real issues. This, however, requires me to be open, connected and therefore vulnerable; which means that people can also see in! It scares me.

A while ago I posted a blog entitled “I like you. Do you like me?” When I wrote it I really did feel like I had told guys in the past that I was interested. It wasn't until Friday that I understood what it really means to be open and really communicate what I want. It was messy and far from perfect, however I said it!

I told the guy that I was interested in that I liked him and that I wanted to be more than friends. It was raw and I was terrified and it was messy (there's really no better word for it). I was really proud of myself for stepping into the 'danger' zone and being willing to take to risk of being rejected in order to speak my truth and communicate what I want.

I have known for awhile that February was going to be bringing about a shift in my life, even if I have had no idea how that's going to happen or what the heck it really means. All I know is that the universe has put something into motion and it's kicking into gear this month. This week at Ultimate Relationship Retreat, a new course with Peak Potentials, was the start.

“Declare your desire with a fearless heart!”

That is my biggest take away. And I did that yesterday. I declared my desire with a fearless, although trembling, heart! Every step forward is progress and this step was HUGE for me. I am stepping into my vulnerability and owning that I am far from perfect and that I want to allow people in. 

Is Life a Competition?

"Do you by any chance have a tough time not comparing where you are in life to where others are?"

This was a question that I posed to a friend and fellow blogger the other day. I feel like I have asked myself this question so many times over the last year and a half or so. The trigger this time was a girlfriend and her finance who have just bought their first house.

There are things happening in my life that make me feel like I am accomplishing something and then there are times when I question where I'm at and if it's enough. 

I feel both very old and very young all at the same time. 

Old: (although I think mature is a more accurate word) I travel for work, my book is being published within the next week, I've spoken in front of hundreds of people... Kinda old and mature things.

On the flip side... I live at home, am currently single, have no major savings or major investments.

And then I look at my brother who is now a father and getting married in May and friends who have now bought a house and are getting married in June and other friends who own places and are in committed relationships and I wonder, what am I doing? AND then I wonder if I've missed the boat. OR does the boat come around frequently and I can just grab the next one? OR am I really meant to be on a completely different boat right now?!

In the end though it brings me back to the saying, "The grass is always greener on the other side" which then makes me think of the revision of said saying, "The grass is always greener where you water it" I am really very grateful for the life that I have. I have a job I enjoy, I have friends and family I love and who love and support me, I have my health and I have faith that I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing to get me to wherever I need to go. Does it mean that I will never question myself again? NO! lol 

The little voice in your head that seems to always have a comment about everything will never go away- you better get used to it. You can however, talk to it and let it know that although you hear it you know better and are choosing to think differently. For me the conversations with my little voice happen every single day and multiple times a day at that!

Life is not a competition. Everyone is playing their own game!

Hot vs. Sexy; Is there a difference?

Two nights ago I went out with some friends to see a Guns 'N Roses tribute band perform.

I enjoy music but have never been one to follow any band really closely or even care that much to go to shows. I figured this would be a fun evening out with friends, and I could use one of those.

The opening band was good, I think... It was so loud and it just sounded like screaming to me so truth be told I really didn't care for them much. Their crazy long hair and swinging of said hair however, was a lot of fun to watch. I've been trying to grow my hair out for the past few years and these guys have way longer and would be nicer hair, if they styled it, than mine! I wasn't attracted to any of the guys in this band. They just didn't do anything for me. After all they all have nicer hair than me!

Then the tribute band got up on stage and actually did a really solid job. I obviously loved when they sang their more popular and widely known songs, which I actually knew. Now I'm not the biggest Guns 'N Roses fan so some people may disagree with me, but I  thought the lead singer sounded a lot like Axel Rose. Watching this band I was totally captivated him.

At one point the thought crossed my mind; he's kinda sexy, but not hot. This then caused me to think back to a conversation that I actually had with several different people around two years ago about wether there was a difference between the labels Hot and Sexy.

Is there?

Many people I spoke to believed that there is certainly a difference, however the only way they were able to explain it was to go through different celebrities and label them. Once they had done that for a few people they were able to explain it a little bit more.

My friend Shaun I think actually articulated it in the most concise way and pretty accurate way; "I think hot is like surface level where sexy is much deeper then that. Sexiness is a way of being, it's how a lady rocks what she's got."

For me hot is purely physical. Look at a picture of someone and say whether they are hot or not without taking their personality into account. 

Sexy is about confidence and charisma.

Can someone be Hot and not Sexy? Yes. Can someone be both hot and sexy? Yes. Can someone be neither? Yes.

Is it important to be physically attracted to the person you are dating? Yes. I believe that the person you date should fall into the sexy category if not both. Otherwise you've gotta have a different label for them without the scale; good looking, cute, pretty, attractive... 

Is it possible that someone becomes better looking as you get to know them? Yes. Is it possible that someone loose their sex appeal all together once they open their mouth? Yes. 

There are a lot if factors that go into the very judgmental process of labeling hot or sexy.

Examples of celebrities;
George Clooney- sexy; he has confidence, charm and talent.
Brad Prit- both; I think he's a great actor and I could also just stare at him.
Ashton Kutcher- sexy; I didn't even like him until I saw his acceptance speech for his award at the Teens choice awards, then he was sexy.
Channing Tatum- both; I could stare at him for hours but there's something about him that makes me curious and want to get to know him.
Jeremy Piven- sexy; I'm not even sure how to explain this one, I just think he's super sexy.

James Franco- hot; I'm not a big James Franco fan but give him props on his looks.

Kate Hudson- both; there's something intriguing about her and she's easy on the eyes.
Sandra Bullock- sexy; she could be both but her intelligence and depth tip her scale primarily to sexy.

Megan Fox- hot; I'm not sure I would put her in the sexy group, but she's stunning. 

Kristin Bell- both; her humility and humour make her totally sexy.

These are my own personal opinions and really mean nothing but I included them so you could get a sense of what I mean. 

When looking for someone to date the physical is one of four quadrants so it's important on it's own but becomes in more relevant when you add the other 3 quads...

What's your definition between hot and sexy? Who would you put where? 

Figure out where you stand and where you want to stand!