Love & Anger

Two weeks ago I attended a workshop called The Mastery of Self-Expression in Vancouver BC, I highly recommend it and if you can do it in Vancouver or Los Angeles; I kinda LOVE the facilitator that does those cities.

While attending this workshop I discovered a few things. The most notable of which is that Love & Anger are two sides of the same coin.

Love & Anger are two sides of the same coin. Two sides. Same coin. One doesn't exist without the other. Like hot and cold. Right and left.

As you can see I am still working on wrapping my brain around this. What I experienced though is the simple fact that if you are unable to really feel and express your anger then you are also unable to really feel and express your love. The truth is that they stem from the same place, it's called EMOTION!

Who are the people you get the most angry at? Are they the random people who cut you off in traffic? Or are they the people who you care so deeply about that you want to see succeed? Those people in traffic might get to you in the moment and if you don't let it go in that moment it gets carried home to the people you love the most.

Passion shows up as both love and anger. Passion is raw emotion that gets expressed one way or another.

I realized that I have been cutting off my emotional centre for many years. Not so much with my friends and family but certainly in the context of my intimate relationships. Although I have to admit that if how you do anything is how you do everything then I have not been allowing myself to be fully 'in' any of my relationships.

I discovered that I was actually really angry at my first boyfriend during the workshop. I thought I had dealt with it. I mean seriously we broke up 9- NINE- years ago!!! But I realized that back then I went into protection mode and I cut myself off from ever really feeling angry or sad or the sense of loss because I needed to survive and not care about him anymore. Over the last nine years I have cleared a LOT around that relationship. Yet low and behold when we were asked to write a letter to someone we were still angry or resentful towards he was the first person that came to mind and I had NO problem writing the letter.

I had been trying to deal with it in the 'enlightened' way and I had still never allowed myself to feel and express the anger and hurt I experienced. Well the workshop allowed me to do just that. I left everything in that room. I put everything I had into it; my voice, my body, my soul- everything. The next morning I woke up and felt like I had been hit by a train!

This week I am home. I felt compelled to message my ex and sit down with him. We have only sat down once 5 years ago when I was finally able to own up to the fact that our relationship wasn't all his fault and that I had played a part in it too. This time we sat and I wanted to fill in the gaps of what happened when we broke up and I went into protection mode. I wanted to heal. I wanted to apologize and I wanted to forgive. Forgive both him and myself.

We talked and honestly said what we needed to say. I discovered that we agree on when our relationship began to disintegrate and I now understand why. I apologize for being such a bitch at the end, no matter what was happening no ones deserves to be treated that way. I got to see that there are parts of him that I was attracted to and I can stop beating myself up for every getting involved. For so long I have been angry at myself for putting myself through all of it and now I am okay. We agreed that we were just so mean to each other and acknowledged our horrible behaviour, which you may think makes no difference nine years later but for me it does.

I left The Mastery of Self-Expression feeling re-energized and vibrant. I left my conversation with my ex feeling lighter and complete.

I would say that the month of February did exactly what I felt it would; it transformed me.



I know I have shared this song about a million times now but I am sharing it again. If you haven't heard it just listen and let it wash over you.

Vulnerability

Your taboo is the one thing that you don't want others to think of you as. It's a part of you that you tend to not acknowledge. It also happens to be the part of you that if you are willing to risk people thinking of you as it you are able to step into greatness.

For example, someone who's taboo is being seen as greedy would have a hard time selling their product or service, because they don't want people to think that they are being greedy. However, when they are willing to have someone perceive them as being greedy (this does not mean that they are actually greedy) then they are able to sell and therefore they are able to help and serve more people.

My taboo is being seen as being too intimate or vulnerable. I have no problem owning the darker parts of myself; my bitch, my slut, my selfishness or my loudness. I have an issue letting people in. I mean like really sitting and being open, raw and leaving my heart on the table.

How does this actually translate the way greed does? Well when I am open and allow the universe to speak through me and really use me I can see through people and what they are not saying. I can feel into them and I suddenly have questions to ask that trigger the real issues. This, however, requires me to be open, connected and therefore vulnerable; which means that people can also see in! It scares me.

A while ago I posted a blog entitled “I like you. Do you like me?” When I wrote it I really did feel like I had told guys in the past that I was interested. It wasn't until Friday that I understood what it really means to be open and really communicate what I want. It was messy and far from perfect, however I said it!

I told the guy that I was interested in that I liked him and that I wanted to be more than friends. It was raw and I was terrified and it was messy (there's really no better word for it). I was really proud of myself for stepping into the 'danger' zone and being willing to take to risk of being rejected in order to speak my truth and communicate what I want.

I have known for awhile that February was going to be bringing about a shift in my life, even if I have had no idea how that's going to happen or what the heck it really means. All I know is that the universe has put something into motion and it's kicking into gear this month. This week at Ultimate Relationship Retreat, a new course with Peak Potentials, was the start.

“Declare your desire with a fearless heart!”

That is my biggest take away. And I did that yesterday. I declared my desire with a fearless, although trembling, heart! Every step forward is progress and this step was HUGE for me. I am stepping into my vulnerability and owning that I am far from perfect and that I want to allow people in. 

Is Life a Competition?

"Do you by any chance have a tough time not comparing where you are in life to where others are?"

This was a question that I posed to a friend and fellow blogger the other day. I feel like I have asked myself this question so many times over the last year and a half or so. The trigger this time was a girlfriend and her finance who have just bought their first house.

There are things happening in my life that make me feel like I am accomplishing something and then there are times when I question where I'm at and if it's enough. 

I feel both very old and very young all at the same time. 

Old: (although I think mature is a more accurate word) I travel for work, my book is being published within the next week, I've spoken in front of hundreds of people... Kinda old and mature things.

On the flip side... I live at home, am currently single, have no major savings or major investments.

And then I look at my brother who is now a father and getting married in May and friends who have now bought a house and are getting married in June and other friends who own places and are in committed relationships and I wonder, what am I doing? AND then I wonder if I've missed the boat. OR does the boat come around frequently and I can just grab the next one? OR am I really meant to be on a completely different boat right now?!

In the end though it brings me back to the saying, "The grass is always greener on the other side" which then makes me think of the revision of said saying, "The grass is always greener where you water it" I am really very grateful for the life that I have. I have a job I enjoy, I have friends and family I love and who love and support me, I have my health and I have faith that I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing to get me to wherever I need to go. Does it mean that I will never question myself again? NO! lol 

The little voice in your head that seems to always have a comment about everything will never go away- you better get used to it. You can however, talk to it and let it know that although you hear it you know better and are choosing to think differently. For me the conversations with my little voice happen every single day and multiple times a day at that!

Life is not a competition. Everyone is playing their own game!

Gratitude, Relaxation and Connection...

I am currently sitting on a couch, looking out on a beautiful ski hill on this lovely cold December morning. (It's actually nice and toasty in the condo though)

My mom, Jaime- my youngest brother's girlfriend- and my best friend Geny left cold and grey Montreal yesterday morning for cold and 'whiter' Vermont. Yesterday we spent the day shopping. When we went through customs and the agent asked what we were going down for my mother responded, "A weekend of relaxation." He looked at us for a second before adding, "And shopping?" Clearly when you see a car of four women heading into the states on what's now become known as 'Black Friday Weekend' it's not hard to deduce that they will be shopping! He commented on how shopping now would not be considered relaxing, then said have fun and handed us back our passports and off we went.

I must say that when I am at home shopping is in NO way relaxing. However when I am on vacation I could spend a third of it shopping and I would be okay- half of it would just be too much. By the end of the day we were all ready to head to our home for the weekend which is tucked into the the bottom of the ski hill at Smuggler's Notch in Vermont. This area is very pretty all the time but with the light dust of snow that fell last night it's magical. I am beginning to feel a lot like Christmas :)

This is the time of year that I want to spend most with people I love and care about. Thank goodness for the internet which allows me to stay connected to others even if they live all around the world. While I was talking to a friend the other day he asked me if my family was all in one area or spread out, spread out is even an understatement! My family is all over the world; Montreal, Toronto, Ottawa (these are close'ish), New York, Rhode Island, San Francisco, Egypt and Dubai. And that's just my family- the people I love who are related my blood- my friends cover a MUCH larger span.

Technology, there are pros and cons to it but for me I am very grateful that it allows connections to stay powerful as long as you make an effort. I discovered, during my trip to NY this month, that I really do love to stay connected with people. I made a major effort to see as many people as I could while I was in NY, even if I haven't seen them for 6 or 7 years, because they mean something to me.

I may consider myself more introverted than extroverted but really I am pretty balanced. My work life requires a lot of my extroverted nature to come out so when I am not at work I tend to become a hermit. I hide away for a few days where I just re-connect with myself. I've discovered that this process is necessary for me if I want to be able to connect with anyone ever again! :)

Luckily for me I travel a lot to the cities in which my family and friends reside, with the exception of the ones not in North America. That means that coupled with the fact that I genuinely enjoy staying connected and seeing people I love and care about, I get to see my family more frequently than anyone else. At this time of year I am extra grateful for the job and the lifestyle that I have and the freedom that it allows me to stay connected with people I love.

Guess the lesson is this post is gratitude, relaxation and connection. Sometimes I don't have any thought provoking things to say... Happy Holiday season everyone! May it be filled with joy, love and laughter with people you love and care about!!!

(I only added the title after I wrote the post)

Alone in NYC

Technically speaking I was travelling alone in NYC for the last few days. However, in a city with over 8 million people (all five boroughs) it's actually a little hard to feel alone. Scratch that, it's next to impossible to feel alone, especially when there are seven people touching you on the subway as you are shuttled from one part of the city to another.

I have spent the last few days here in Manhattan and I really do enjoy it, for the most part anyway. I stand by my sentiment of not wanting to live here however I could easily spend a month at a time in the city every few months getting a major dose of arts, culture and food!

This week was a test for me. I tend to travel with people. I have never really been very good at spending time alone, especially when travelling.

Monday I spent the day catching up on emails and sleep. Got into the city that night and went to my first yoga class in over three months with a friend; Pure West- nicest yoga studio I've ever seen! The next day I went to a class on my own, wonderful. Then cabbed across the park to the upper east side where I would be staying with my cousins for the remainder of my trip.

I was determined to go and see at least two broadway shows while I was in town. So Tuesday night I headed into Times Square around 6, walked right up to the TKTS booth and bought myself one ticket to Rock of Ages- awesome show full of sex, drugs and rock & roll! It's perfect to bring a guy who is not into musicals too. This was the first time I ever went to see a show on my own, I've never even gone to a movie alone before.

Wednesday I got even more bold! I went to the Guggenheim museum alone! I have always wanted to go to the Guggenheim because the design of the building has always intrigued me. I am so grateful that my cousin gave me his museum pass for the day and I got to go for free. It was mesmerizing. Afterwards I headed to Times Square again walked right up to the TKTS booth and bought myself one ticket to Phantom of the Opera; a broadway classic.

After my second show I walked to Grand Central Station, easily one of my favourite places in the city. It's such a beautiful building and I could stand on the balcony and watch the people walk around for hours! Met my friend Christy from the ship and then headed to the village for dinner and drinks.

Thursday morning I had breakfast with my cousin before heading to the airport for my next trip.

Lessons learned while in NYC:

1. I am a big girl who is perfectly capable of keeping myself company.
2. I love connecting with friends and family and genuinely make an effort to do so when I travel.
3. I will never wait in line for tickets at TKTS again! Even if I am not sitting only five rows back the show is still sensational and even if I'm with a bunch of people we can get individual seats all over and then talk about the show afterwards!
4. Work out a little before getting to NYC because I walk a lot while in the city and have shin splints right now...
5. People watching is one of my favourite things to do wherever I am but in NYC it's incredible.
6. Remember to smile, it won't mess up your hair! (This was taught to me by a singing group on the subway. I thought it was pretty clever!)