Love & Anger

Two weeks ago I attended a workshop called The Mastery of Self-Expression in Vancouver BC, I highly recommend it and if you can do it in Vancouver or Los Angeles; I kinda LOVE the facilitator that does those cities.

While attending this workshop I discovered a few things. The most notable of which is that Love & Anger are two sides of the same coin.

Love & Anger are two sides of the same coin. Two sides. Same coin. One doesn't exist without the other. Like hot and cold. Right and left.

As you can see I am still working on wrapping my brain around this. What I experienced though is the simple fact that if you are unable to really feel and express your anger then you are also unable to really feel and express your love. The truth is that they stem from the same place, it's called EMOTION!

Who are the people you get the most angry at? Are they the random people who cut you off in traffic? Or are they the people who you care so deeply about that you want to see succeed? Those people in traffic might get to you in the moment and if you don't let it go in that moment it gets carried home to the people you love the most.

Passion shows up as both love and anger. Passion is raw emotion that gets expressed one way or another.

I realized that I have been cutting off my emotional centre for many years. Not so much with my friends and family but certainly in the context of my intimate relationships. Although I have to admit that if how you do anything is how you do everything then I have not been allowing myself to be fully 'in' any of my relationships.

I discovered that I was actually really angry at my first boyfriend during the workshop. I thought I had dealt with it. I mean seriously we broke up 9- NINE- years ago!!! But I realized that back then I went into protection mode and I cut myself off from ever really feeling angry or sad or the sense of loss because I needed to survive and not care about him anymore. Over the last nine years I have cleared a LOT around that relationship. Yet low and behold when we were asked to write a letter to someone we were still angry or resentful towards he was the first person that came to mind and I had NO problem writing the letter.

I had been trying to deal with it in the 'enlightened' way and I had still never allowed myself to feel and express the anger and hurt I experienced. Well the workshop allowed me to do just that. I left everything in that room. I put everything I had into it; my voice, my body, my soul- everything. The next morning I woke up and felt like I had been hit by a train!

This week I am home. I felt compelled to message my ex and sit down with him. We have only sat down once 5 years ago when I was finally able to own up to the fact that our relationship wasn't all his fault and that I had played a part in it too. This time we sat and I wanted to fill in the gaps of what happened when we broke up and I went into protection mode. I wanted to heal. I wanted to apologize and I wanted to forgive. Forgive both him and myself.

We talked and honestly said what we needed to say. I discovered that we agree on when our relationship began to disintegrate and I now understand why. I apologize for being such a bitch at the end, no matter what was happening no ones deserves to be treated that way. I got to see that there are parts of him that I was attracted to and I can stop beating myself up for every getting involved. For so long I have been angry at myself for putting myself through all of it and now I am okay. We agreed that we were just so mean to each other and acknowledged our horrible behaviour, which you may think makes no difference nine years later but for me it does.

I left The Mastery of Self-Expression feeling re-energized and vibrant. I left my conversation with my ex feeling lighter and complete.

I would say that the month of February did exactly what I felt it would; it transformed me.



I know I have shared this song about a million times now but I am sharing it again. If you haven't heard it just listen and let it wash over you.

Vulnerability

Your taboo is the one thing that you don't want others to think of you as. It's a part of you that you tend to not acknowledge. It also happens to be the part of you that if you are willing to risk people thinking of you as it you are able to step into greatness.

For example, someone who's taboo is being seen as greedy would have a hard time selling their product or service, because they don't want people to think that they are being greedy. However, when they are willing to have someone perceive them as being greedy (this does not mean that they are actually greedy) then they are able to sell and therefore they are able to help and serve more people.

My taboo is being seen as being too intimate or vulnerable. I have no problem owning the darker parts of myself; my bitch, my slut, my selfishness or my loudness. I have an issue letting people in. I mean like really sitting and being open, raw and leaving my heart on the table.

How does this actually translate the way greed does? Well when I am open and allow the universe to speak through me and really use me I can see through people and what they are not saying. I can feel into them and I suddenly have questions to ask that trigger the real issues. This, however, requires me to be open, connected and therefore vulnerable; which means that people can also see in! It scares me.

A while ago I posted a blog entitled “I like you. Do you like me?” When I wrote it I really did feel like I had told guys in the past that I was interested. It wasn't until Friday that I understood what it really means to be open and really communicate what I want. It was messy and far from perfect, however I said it!

I told the guy that I was interested in that I liked him and that I wanted to be more than friends. It was raw and I was terrified and it was messy (there's really no better word for it). I was really proud of myself for stepping into the 'danger' zone and being willing to take to risk of being rejected in order to speak my truth and communicate what I want.

I have known for awhile that February was going to be bringing about a shift in my life, even if I have had no idea how that's going to happen or what the heck it really means. All I know is that the universe has put something into motion and it's kicking into gear this month. This week at Ultimate Relationship Retreat, a new course with Peak Potentials, was the start.

“Declare your desire with a fearless heart!”

That is my biggest take away. And I did that yesterday. I declared my desire with a fearless, although trembling, heart! Every step forward is progress and this step was HUGE for me. I am stepping into my vulnerability and owning that I am far from perfect and that I want to allow people in. 

Great Read: "She Comes First"

Sex is one subject that every single person on this planet has in common. Wanna know how I know that? We are alive. Two people had sex, you won the race and were brought into this world.

Okay great. Now that we've established that let's talk about sex for a minute. How did you learn about it? Who taught you about sex? Women, did you know that the clitoris is the only human body part that's only purpose is to create pleasure? Men, did you know that?

I will not for one second pretend to know everything about sex. There is so much that I have not experienced and not learned about yet because, oh shocking- no one taught me about it. Now I am at a point in my life where I am comfortable enough with what I think, how I feel and what I want from sex that I can talk about it and ask about it and be really curious about it.

I have begun to talk about it more and more with different people and am discovering that it is something people really do want to talk about but don't always feel comfortable talking about. In talking to a friend about sex she recommended that I read this book; "She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman" by Ian Kerner Ph.D.

I finished the book in about two days. I was so grateful to not feel like I was dysfunctional because I have never had an orgasm through penetration. Reading this book gave me more confidence that I really do know my body and what works for me. It also gave me more understanding of my body, how it's designed and what to expect or try. 

Women- I recommend reading this book for all of the reasons that I just mentioned above. 

Men- I recommend reading this book for the intimate knowledge about female anatomy and the elusive art of bringing a women to orgasm. Do not skip the first part of the book where he explains all the parts of the clitoral network and jump to technique- get the basics, he wrote the book perfectly to guide you through from start to finish. 

If talking about sex makes you uncomfortable I've been there. I am not even sure when I came to the decision to be more bold about it and ask questions and just talk about it but I have and I am glad because I know that there are people who need it. 

If you wanna talk about sex I am open to hearing your stories, your opinions and how you think and feel about it. I am curious about sex but more importantly I am curious about people. My objective in beginning these conversations is for people to become more confident in their own stance about sex.