I am an Author

I wrote a book. I had written this book exactly two years ago this month. March of 2012 I completed the first draft. I was proud of the book. Proud but not ready to actually print the book and put it into the hands of others. I most certainly was not ready to say the words, “I am an author” to anyone- not even in my own head, to myself, where no one else would hear it!!!

This past November I attended a workshop called Publish A Book And Grow Rich. I will be completely transparent here, I just wanted to get whatever information they had to offer and had no intention of buying their package. I needed a kick in the ass to get me moving on printing my book. I got it.

The event began on Friday evening and our first piece of homework was to tell someone, “I am an author”. I had a really really hard time with it. I procrastinated like crazy. I couldn't even bring myself to tell the guys I was attending the workshop with! I just could not say the words out loud. Saturday morning, 20 minutes before I had to be back in the event room I wrote this post on Facebook:

As I hit post I could feel my body convulse in silent protest.
I shared my experience with the room that morning. I felt like I was out of integrity in saying that I was an author and I already had the book written. In my mind if it's not printed and out there for people to read I am not really an author. I was also dealing with the notion that I had no credentials that gave me a right to write a book called, “S-E-X: How did YOU learn to spell it?”

I was scared. I was scared of what people would think. I was scared of what people would say. I was scared people wouldn't want to read it. I was nervous. I was excited about the possibility of people loving the book and really wanting to support it- which incidentally is also scary because then how successful could I become? I was so many things all at once, many of which conflicted!

While at that event I made the commitment to have the book in print by January 31st 2014.

The month of January was all about getting the book ready. I working diligently on the formatting, having a very clear vision for how I wanted the book to look inside. When I finally got a clear vision of what I wanted the book to look on the outside I worked hand in hand with my friend and artist Katana DuFour and then my graphic designer responsible for getting the cover print ready Ray Wilkins. I got my ISBN number. I got my cataloguing information from libraries Canada. I submitted everything to CreateSpace, Amazon's publishing house, and ordered my first 80 copies on January 26th, 2014- to arrive at their destination by February 3rd!

When I held a copy of my book for the first time I was in awe. I thought I would scream, or jump up and down or react in some other large very Veronica way. I didn't. I just stood there starring at the book in my hands. I couldn't even believe it was real. It felt like if I moved it would disappear.

I have now sold roughly 50 copies of the book and I have received an overwhelming amount of positive feedback.

I am getting better at owning the title 'author' because I keep saying it. It's like any muscle, the more you work on it the stronger it gets.

Ladies and gentlemen I have something I would like to tell you... I am an AUTHOR! My book is “S-E-X: How did YOU learn to spell it?” You can purchase your copy here. Please make sure to let me know if you would like it autographed and to whom!

Love & Anger

Two weeks ago I attended a workshop called The Mastery of Self-Expression in Vancouver BC, I highly recommend it and if you can do it in Vancouver or Los Angeles; I kinda LOVE the facilitator that does those cities.

While attending this workshop I discovered a few things. The most notable of which is that Love & Anger are two sides of the same coin.

Love & Anger are two sides of the same coin. Two sides. Same coin. One doesn't exist without the other. Like hot and cold. Right and left.

As you can see I am still working on wrapping my brain around this. What I experienced though is the simple fact that if you are unable to really feel and express your anger then you are also unable to really feel and express your love. The truth is that they stem from the same place, it's called EMOTION!

Who are the people you get the most angry at? Are they the random people who cut you off in traffic? Or are they the people who you care so deeply about that you want to see succeed? Those people in traffic might get to you in the moment and if you don't let it go in that moment it gets carried home to the people you love the most.

Passion shows up as both love and anger. Passion is raw emotion that gets expressed one way or another.

I realized that I have been cutting off my emotional centre for many years. Not so much with my friends and family but certainly in the context of my intimate relationships. Although I have to admit that if how you do anything is how you do everything then I have not been allowing myself to be fully 'in' any of my relationships.

I discovered that I was actually really angry at my first boyfriend during the workshop. I thought I had dealt with it. I mean seriously we broke up 9- NINE- years ago!!! But I realized that back then I went into protection mode and I cut myself off from ever really feeling angry or sad or the sense of loss because I needed to survive and not care about him anymore. Over the last nine years I have cleared a LOT around that relationship. Yet low and behold when we were asked to write a letter to someone we were still angry or resentful towards he was the first person that came to mind and I had NO problem writing the letter.

I had been trying to deal with it in the 'enlightened' way and I had still never allowed myself to feel and express the anger and hurt I experienced. Well the workshop allowed me to do just that. I left everything in that room. I put everything I had into it; my voice, my body, my soul- everything. The next morning I woke up and felt like I had been hit by a train!

This week I am home. I felt compelled to message my ex and sit down with him. We have only sat down once 5 years ago when I was finally able to own up to the fact that our relationship wasn't all his fault and that I had played a part in it too. This time we sat and I wanted to fill in the gaps of what happened when we broke up and I went into protection mode. I wanted to heal. I wanted to apologize and I wanted to forgive. Forgive both him and myself.

We talked and honestly said what we needed to say. I discovered that we agree on when our relationship began to disintegrate and I now understand why. I apologize for being such a bitch at the end, no matter what was happening no ones deserves to be treated that way. I got to see that there are parts of him that I was attracted to and I can stop beating myself up for every getting involved. For so long I have been angry at myself for putting myself through all of it and now I am okay. We agreed that we were just so mean to each other and acknowledged our horrible behaviour, which you may think makes no difference nine years later but for me it does.

I left The Mastery of Self-Expression feeling re-energized and vibrant. I left my conversation with my ex feeling lighter and complete.

I would say that the month of February did exactly what I felt it would; it transformed me.



I know I have shared this song about a million times now but I am sharing it again. If you haven't heard it just listen and let it wash over you.

Vulnerability

Your taboo is the one thing that you don't want others to think of you as. It's a part of you that you tend to not acknowledge. It also happens to be the part of you that if you are willing to risk people thinking of you as it you are able to step into greatness.

For example, someone who's taboo is being seen as greedy would have a hard time selling their product or service, because they don't want people to think that they are being greedy. However, when they are willing to have someone perceive them as being greedy (this does not mean that they are actually greedy) then they are able to sell and therefore they are able to help and serve more people.

My taboo is being seen as being too intimate or vulnerable. I have no problem owning the darker parts of myself; my bitch, my slut, my selfishness or my loudness. I have an issue letting people in. I mean like really sitting and being open, raw and leaving my heart on the table.

How does this actually translate the way greed does? Well when I am open and allow the universe to speak through me and really use me I can see through people and what they are not saying. I can feel into them and I suddenly have questions to ask that trigger the real issues. This, however, requires me to be open, connected and therefore vulnerable; which means that people can also see in! It scares me.

A while ago I posted a blog entitled “I like you. Do you like me?” When I wrote it I really did feel like I had told guys in the past that I was interested. It wasn't until Friday that I understood what it really means to be open and really communicate what I want. It was messy and far from perfect, however I said it!

I told the guy that I was interested in that I liked him and that I wanted to be more than friends. It was raw and I was terrified and it was messy (there's really no better word for it). I was really proud of myself for stepping into the 'danger' zone and being willing to take to risk of being rejected in order to speak my truth and communicate what I want.

I have known for awhile that February was going to be bringing about a shift in my life, even if I have had no idea how that's going to happen or what the heck it really means. All I know is that the universe has put something into motion and it's kicking into gear this month. This week at Ultimate Relationship Retreat, a new course with Peak Potentials, was the start.

“Declare your desire with a fearless heart!”

That is my biggest take away. And I did that yesterday. I declared my desire with a fearless, although trembling, heart! Every step forward is progress and this step was HUGE for me. I am stepping into my vulnerability and owning that I am far from perfect and that I want to allow people in. 

Is Life a Competition?

"Do you by any chance have a tough time not comparing where you are in life to where others are?"

This was a question that I posed to a friend and fellow blogger the other day. I feel like I have asked myself this question so many times over the last year and a half or so. The trigger this time was a girlfriend and her finance who have just bought their first house.

There are things happening in my life that make me feel like I am accomplishing something and then there are times when I question where I'm at and if it's enough. 

I feel both very old and very young all at the same time. 

Old: (although I think mature is a more accurate word) I travel for work, my book is being published within the next week, I've spoken in front of hundreds of people... Kinda old and mature things.

On the flip side... I live at home, am currently single, have no major savings or major investments.

And then I look at my brother who is now a father and getting married in May and friends who have now bought a house and are getting married in June and other friends who own places and are in committed relationships and I wonder, what am I doing? AND then I wonder if I've missed the boat. OR does the boat come around frequently and I can just grab the next one? OR am I really meant to be on a completely different boat right now?!

In the end though it brings me back to the saying, "The grass is always greener on the other side" which then makes me think of the revision of said saying, "The grass is always greener where you water it" I am really very grateful for the life that I have. I have a job I enjoy, I have friends and family I love and who love and support me, I have my health and I have faith that I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing to get me to wherever I need to go. Does it mean that I will never question myself again? NO! lol 

The little voice in your head that seems to always have a comment about everything will never go away- you better get used to it. You can however, talk to it and let it know that although you hear it you know better and are choosing to think differently. For me the conversations with my little voice happen every single day and multiple times a day at that!

Life is not a competition. Everyone is playing their own game!

Hot vs. Sexy; Is there a difference?

Two nights ago I went out with some friends to see a Guns 'N Roses tribute band perform.

I enjoy music but have never been one to follow any band really closely or even care that much to go to shows. I figured this would be a fun evening out with friends, and I could use one of those.

The opening band was good, I think... It was so loud and it just sounded like screaming to me so truth be told I really didn't care for them much. Their crazy long hair and swinging of said hair however, was a lot of fun to watch. I've been trying to grow my hair out for the past few years and these guys have way longer and would be nicer hair, if they styled it, than mine! I wasn't attracted to any of the guys in this band. They just didn't do anything for me. After all they all have nicer hair than me!

Then the tribute band got up on stage and actually did a really solid job. I obviously loved when they sang their more popular and widely known songs, which I actually knew. Now I'm not the biggest Guns 'N Roses fan so some people may disagree with me, but I  thought the lead singer sounded a lot like Axel Rose. Watching this band I was totally captivated him.

At one point the thought crossed my mind; he's kinda sexy, but not hot. This then caused me to think back to a conversation that I actually had with several different people around two years ago about wether there was a difference between the labels Hot and Sexy.

Is there?

Many people I spoke to believed that there is certainly a difference, however the only way they were able to explain it was to go through different celebrities and label them. Once they had done that for a few people they were able to explain it a little bit more.

My friend Shaun I think actually articulated it in the most concise way and pretty accurate way; "I think hot is like surface level where sexy is much deeper then that. Sexiness is a way of being, it's how a lady rocks what she's got."

For me hot is purely physical. Look at a picture of someone and say whether they are hot or not without taking their personality into account. 

Sexy is about confidence and charisma.

Can someone be Hot and not Sexy? Yes. Can someone be both hot and sexy? Yes. Can someone be neither? Yes.

Is it important to be physically attracted to the person you are dating? Yes. I believe that the person you date should fall into the sexy category if not both. Otherwise you've gotta have a different label for them without the scale; good looking, cute, pretty, attractive... 

Is it possible that someone becomes better looking as you get to know them? Yes. Is it possible that someone loose their sex appeal all together once they open their mouth? Yes. 

There are a lot if factors that go into the very judgmental process of labeling hot or sexy.

Examples of celebrities;
George Clooney- sexy; he has confidence, charm and talent.
Brad Prit- both; I think he's a great actor and I could also just stare at him.
Ashton Kutcher- sexy; I didn't even like him until I saw his acceptance speech for his award at the Teens choice awards, then he was sexy.
Channing Tatum- both; I could stare at him for hours but there's something about him that makes me curious and want to get to know him.
Jeremy Piven- sexy; I'm not even sure how to explain this one, I just think he's super sexy.

James Franco- hot; I'm not a big James Franco fan but give him props on his looks.

Kate Hudson- both; there's something intriguing about her and she's easy on the eyes.
Sandra Bullock- sexy; she could be both but her intelligence and depth tip her scale primarily to sexy.

Megan Fox- hot; I'm not sure I would put her in the sexy group, but she's stunning. 

Kristin Bell- both; her humility and humour make her totally sexy.

These are my own personal opinions and really mean nothing but I included them so you could get a sense of what I mean. 

When looking for someone to date the physical is one of four quadrants so it's important on it's own but becomes in more relevant when you add the other 3 quads...

What's your definition between hot and sexy? Who would you put where? 

Figure out where you stand and where you want to stand! 

Completion, Creation & Celebration

In December of 2010 my family began what we call a "completion, creation & celebration" dinner. For two years we did this with the community of like minded people that we had created in Montreal as a holiday party. Last year I don't remember doing it. Tonight we brought it back. 

Tonight, December 31st, 2013 we had dinner for my sister-in-law's birthday, which is tomorrow- or I should say in 2 hours from now (only 1 hour when I finally went to publish this post). I went out and bought each of us a helium filled balloon for the celebration part of the process. Some of us elected to only do the last part; I decided that I needed to sit and write out my responses for all three parts. 

My answers... 

Completion

It's now 9:50pm on December 31st, 2013 and time to reflect and complete it... 

My most significant contribution in 2013 would have to be my writing. This year I have discovered that more people than I thought, or ever anticipated, are impacted by my blogs and that is really remarkable for me. 

The one thing that has had the biggest positive impact in my life is by far my family and friends- sure we've had our moments but in the end these are the people who always push me to be better and constantly support my growth. 

I would like to acknowledge myself for having found a sense of balance between work and play. 

I would like to acknowledge my mother for making great strides, even if it's cause some major personal work for her, in her mission to provide for our family. 

The situation that caused me the most pain- had me balling my eyes out for the first time in a long time- was a blessing right away; it showed me that I am more ready to accept another into my life than I had previously thought. 

Thank you 2013 for bringing about much change, some challenges and lots of joy- overall 2013 has been a pretty solid year and I am grateful for all you brought. 

Creation

Time to create 2014...

The one thing I am implementing is taking time to honour and care for myself; my mind, body and soul. By feeding my mind with knowledge, by feeding my body with good food and caring for it through yoga and swimming, and finally by feeding my soul through writing, dancing and facilitating I will be able to continue in my sense of balance. 

I plan to continue to spend as much time as possible with my family and friends because they make me laugh, as long as I continue to make plans with them when I am home I will stay true to my heart and desire to stay connected.

If I suddenly had a million dollars I would travel purely for experience and bring people I loved with me. 

The contribution I want to make in 2014 is printing and talking about my book. I want people to read it and begin to get clarity about what they think and feel about sex. 

I would like my year of 2014 to be full of love, laughter and joy- I want to really allow myself to be vulnerable and open to receiving all that the universe has to offer me so that I may then give it back ten fold. 

Celebration

I am grateful for my friends & family and I am now complete with 2013. 

I move towards 2014 with gratitude & vulnerability and am open to receive love & deep joy. 

Note: If you would like to complete these same questions here they are. 

My tradition is to write them out, by hand, on a piece of paper and then find a pretty box or decorate an envelop and keep it until next year... You could also have a burning ceremony if you want. For the celebration part I am all about a helium filled balloon and sending out the universe (until I plan it better and buy myself bio-degradable lanterns I apologize earth).

Durex- I've got a bone to pick

Recently this commercial has been airing on TV again (I've been watching cheesy Christmas movies so it makes sense that I have seen this commercial about 20 times over the last few days). I enjoy the commercial until the end and then I get really pissed.



So Durex here's my bone- Why the F@$% does HE deserve this?! What about HER?!

I was so annoyed and angry that there was this implication that women are meant to serve or service the men in our lives. Like, I was really angry every time I saw it; to the point that I yelled at the TV a few times and my mom had to remind me that it's just a commercial and that the television could not in fact hear me.

I decided I was gonna write a blog post about it!

When I searched for this commercial online I could not find it on YouTube. I had to cast a bigger search net and finally found a webpage that had embedded the video. And I watched this one, which I had forgotten about:



And this one, although did not made me AS mad, also annoyed me!

So I understand that the commercials go back and forth between male and females talking, the thing that drives me NUTS is that if Durex is for Savvy Lovers that would mean that the best sex ever is for both people right?! So why, WHY couldn't they say, "WE deserve this.", "The best sex ever."

Sex, although it doesn't always involve a second person, these commercials are targeted to couples- two people. Which then makes me seriously wonder why they wouldn't use WE. Don't both people deserve the best sex ever? Why would it just be him or her? Aren't they both experiencing the sexual encounter together?

I just don't get it!!!

I do not often rant in my blogs but I just couldn't help it.

Santa is real at WestJet

Every now and then a company does something amazing and makes you believe in Santa! 

I fly all around North America regularly and I am always curious about the people I encounter on my journey. Some are excited to be going wherever they are headed, others are simply going from one place to another and others are clearly not happy to be sitting in an airport or on a plane. 

I will say as a frequent flyer it does not take much to make a flight a memorable one and come to think of it there are two key moments or flights I remember and both were with WestJet. 

The first was, as they scanned my boarding pass in Calgary for my flight back to Montreal the attendant actually addressed me by name and said, "Have a great flight"- I'm telling you; it's the small things that make all the difference! 

The second... Since I fly all the time I have gotten very skilled at falling asleep before the safety video or briefing ever even happens. Well one flight I just could not ignore. The West Jet flight attendant rhymed the whole safety briefing, like I'm talking Dr. Seuss rhymed! 

Now this video demonstrates another level of amazingness at WestJet. 

Please share this video because it is amazing and it is sure to melt the heart of even the coldest people then make their hearts grow two sizes!!! Also the more views this video gets the more kids WestJet will be able to help. 

We've gotta also give major props to the other companies like Best Buy that helped to make the miracle of this video happen. 

I like you. Do You Like Me?

Is there a right or wrong way of letting someone know that you are interested in them? Is it better to just come right out and say it; "I really like you. I have no idea what you are thinking but I just needed to let you know where I stand" OR "I really like you and would like to see where we can go from here." Or is that just wayyyyyy too much and it's better to just be a little more coy about it; you know dropping small hints but never just coming out and saying it?

I have tried both ways and they've got their pros and cons... Actually when I really think about it I've only ever really done the first way of just saying what I think and feel. As a matter of fact it's always in and around this point in easy hint dropping conversation land that I debate as to whether or not I should just say it; I've always just said it. 

I don't think a guy has ever come right out and said something like that to me. That being said maybe I've never really given any of them a chance to do so. 

So I come back to my original question... Is there a right or wrong way of letting someone know that you are interested in them? I mean excluding things such as stalking them. 

Men/guys; if a girl just said, "hey, I like you" would that be a thumbs up or down? Why? 

Women/girls; if a guy just said, "hey, I like you" would that be a thumbs up or down? Why? 

As I wrote the question for the guys nothing came up for me. Then as I re-typed it for the ladies a thought/ my own response to the question came in... 

If I was interested in them too it would be the best thing ever! If I was not interested in them I would likely feel a little awkward and uncertain of what to do or say next, especially if the guy is a friend whom I want to still be friends with even if he's not into me.


Re-reading everything I just wrote I remembered what it was like in elementary school. I googled the phrase "do you like me" and then hit images and a number of images appeared which were exactly what I was looking for to add to this blog!

And THEN as I continued to search I found the best one of all, which I realized is PERFECT for me!

Well okay maybe not perfect but I certainly think it's funny and part of it is very appropriate... other parts are a little extreme- you get the idea though! 

Great Read: "She Comes First"

Sex is one subject that every single person on this planet has in common. Wanna know how I know that? We are alive. Two people had sex, you won the race and were brought into this world.

Okay great. Now that we've established that let's talk about sex for a minute. How did you learn about it? Who taught you about sex? Women, did you know that the clitoris is the only human body part that's only purpose is to create pleasure? Men, did you know that?

I will not for one second pretend to know everything about sex. There is so much that I have not experienced and not learned about yet because, oh shocking- no one taught me about it. Now I am at a point in my life where I am comfortable enough with what I think, how I feel and what I want from sex that I can talk about it and ask about it and be really curious about it.

I have begun to talk about it more and more with different people and am discovering that it is something people really do want to talk about but don't always feel comfortable talking about. In talking to a friend about sex she recommended that I read this book; "She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman" by Ian Kerner Ph.D.

I finished the book in about two days. I was so grateful to not feel like I was dysfunctional because I have never had an orgasm through penetration. Reading this book gave me more confidence that I really do know my body and what works for me. It also gave me more understanding of my body, how it's designed and what to expect or try. 

Women- I recommend reading this book for all of the reasons that I just mentioned above. 

Men- I recommend reading this book for the intimate knowledge about female anatomy and the elusive art of bringing a women to orgasm. Do not skip the first part of the book where he explains all the parts of the clitoral network and jump to technique- get the basics, he wrote the book perfectly to guide you through from start to finish. 

If talking about sex makes you uncomfortable I've been there. I am not even sure when I came to the decision to be more bold about it and ask questions and just talk about it but I have and I am glad because I know that there are people who need it. 

If you wanna talk about sex I am open to hearing your stories, your opinions and how you think and feel about it. I am curious about sex but more importantly I am curious about people. My objective in beginning these conversations is for people to become more confident in their own stance about sex.

No words

I realize that the title of this blog is odd considering that this is a blog and therefore would require words... I am going to do my best to put into words how I am feeling right now.

Today is the day that I celebrate my birth. I was born on this day 28 years ago at 5:58pm in Montreal, QC. (The time is not relevant until a little later) My birthday celebration began last night with my tradition of dinner with my family. People often ask what I want to do for my birthday and I feel like I am really boring because my answer is always the same; I want to have dinner with my family. I used to do a big dinner thing with my friends, or drinks with everyone but I realized that I prefer smaller gatherings and since my birthday falls into the holiday season chaos often I am really unattached to celebrating.

Dinner was wonderful. Just spending time with my family makes me smile, eating awesome food is a bonus! Today I spent much of the day on a plane or in an airport. I awoke nice and early to catch my first flight out on my way to Palm Springs for an event this week. People looked at my ID's all day but no one noticed that it was my birthday- I can't blame them, I normally have no idea what day of the week it is let alone what date. When I checked into my hotel I actually told the receptionist it was my birthday, something I never do. Well imagine my surprise when I return from my stint at the pool to find champagne, fruit and chocolate sauce waiting for me with a card from her!

I received something like 140 Happy Birthday messages from friends on Facebook or via text. some of the highlights though;

• an amazing voice mail message from The Ofners, party of 5
• a text from an incredible friend; "I know I missed it by 12 minutes, but happy technical 5:58pm birthday!"
• "I hope you have a day that is filled with as much joy and happiness as you give those who have been blessed enough to have you in their lives"; from one very special lady
• "Happy Birthday Beautiful!!! Because I love you, I'm giving you an all expense paid trip to...... PALM DESSERT!!! Starting NOW! Go!
  Have fun this week. Wish I was there to give you a birthday hug! xo"; from my amazing and clearly comedic boss! 

I really do not know how to use my words to say thank you. Thank you to each and everyone of you that is part of my life, whether you are a big piece of it, or a small part you are in my life and have made an impact on me. I am so incredibly grateful for all of you and for what I have. 

My words today are: THANK YOU, I LOVE YOU. 

PS. After I posted this blog I went for dinner. This is what my "bill" said:

Gratitude, Relaxation and Connection...

I am currently sitting on a couch, looking out on a beautiful ski hill on this lovely cold December morning. (It's actually nice and toasty in the condo though)

My mom, Jaime- my youngest brother's girlfriend- and my best friend Geny left cold and grey Montreal yesterday morning for cold and 'whiter' Vermont. Yesterday we spent the day shopping. When we went through customs and the agent asked what we were going down for my mother responded, "A weekend of relaxation." He looked at us for a second before adding, "And shopping?" Clearly when you see a car of four women heading into the states on what's now become known as 'Black Friday Weekend' it's not hard to deduce that they will be shopping! He commented on how shopping now would not be considered relaxing, then said have fun and handed us back our passports and off we went.

I must say that when I am at home shopping is in NO way relaxing. However when I am on vacation I could spend a third of it shopping and I would be okay- half of it would just be too much. By the end of the day we were all ready to head to our home for the weekend which is tucked into the the bottom of the ski hill at Smuggler's Notch in Vermont. This area is very pretty all the time but with the light dust of snow that fell last night it's magical. I am beginning to feel a lot like Christmas :)

This is the time of year that I want to spend most with people I love and care about. Thank goodness for the internet which allows me to stay connected to others even if they live all around the world. While I was talking to a friend the other day he asked me if my family was all in one area or spread out, spread out is even an understatement! My family is all over the world; Montreal, Toronto, Ottawa (these are close'ish), New York, Rhode Island, San Francisco, Egypt and Dubai. And that's just my family- the people I love who are related my blood- my friends cover a MUCH larger span.

Technology, there are pros and cons to it but for me I am very grateful that it allows connections to stay powerful as long as you make an effort. I discovered, during my trip to NY this month, that I really do love to stay connected with people. I made a major effort to see as many people as I could while I was in NY, even if I haven't seen them for 6 or 7 years, because they mean something to me.

I may consider myself more introverted than extroverted but really I am pretty balanced. My work life requires a lot of my extroverted nature to come out so when I am not at work I tend to become a hermit. I hide away for a few days where I just re-connect with myself. I've discovered that this process is necessary for me if I want to be able to connect with anyone ever again! :)

Luckily for me I travel a lot to the cities in which my family and friends reside, with the exception of the ones not in North America. That means that coupled with the fact that I genuinely enjoy staying connected and seeing people I love and care about, I get to see my family more frequently than anyone else. At this time of year I am extra grateful for the job and the lifestyle that I have and the freedom that it allows me to stay connected with people I love.

Guess the lesson is this post is gratitude, relaxation and connection. Sometimes I don't have any thought provoking things to say... Happy Holiday season everyone! May it be filled with joy, love and laughter with people you love and care about!!!

(I only added the title after I wrote the post)

365 Days of Gratitude

I have two blogs. Did you know that? This blog is my processing blog; it's where I write out my thoughts and whatever is going on in my life. For the most part by the end of a post I have a point and some kind of learn... I figure if you are still reading it then you must be getting something out of it... Right?! :)

I have another blog; one that I don't really share but that I would like to with all of you. My second blog began 370 days ago...

Veronica's 365 days of Gratitude 

My first post was on November 16th, 2012:

Welcome to my 365 days of Gratitude blog!
Yesterday it occurred to me that I am grateful for so many things in my life. I could easily write this in a journal for my eyes only, however something compelled me to do in online in blog format. I believe this to be two fold;1. I get to share what I am grateful for and perhaps empower others to think about what they are grateful for.2. It's a way to keep myself accountable to posting everyday. I realize that no one is going to be patrolling my blog to make sure that I post everyday but I'll know if I did or not, and I will be accountable for that.
So day 1; I am grateful to have to outlet for my gratitude!

I decided to keep this blog relatively private; which really means that I didn't share it on Facebook like I do with this one. I think partly because I wasn't convinced that I would actually succeed in writing a post for 365 consecutive days. In all honesty I didn't. There were a few times where I would miss a few days; then I would sit down and write a post that had something for everyday that I missed.

In the end I did succeed. I wrote about something I was grateful for for the last 370 days!!!

Were there some days that it was a little harder to come up with something? Yes. Will those days always exist? Most likely. Is there still always something to be grateful for? Absolutely!

I plan on continuing my gratitude blog because I realized that another 365 days are waiting for me to be grateful for them! I still won't share my posts on Facebook but if you'd like to follow along feel free :)

Alone in NYC

Technically speaking I was travelling alone in NYC for the last few days. However, in a city with over 8 million people (all five boroughs) it's actually a little hard to feel alone. Scratch that, it's next to impossible to feel alone, especially when there are seven people touching you on the subway as you are shuttled from one part of the city to another.

I have spent the last few days here in Manhattan and I really do enjoy it, for the most part anyway. I stand by my sentiment of not wanting to live here however I could easily spend a month at a time in the city every few months getting a major dose of arts, culture and food!

This week was a test for me. I tend to travel with people. I have never really been very good at spending time alone, especially when travelling.

Monday I spent the day catching up on emails and sleep. Got into the city that night and went to my first yoga class in over three months with a friend; Pure West- nicest yoga studio I've ever seen! The next day I went to a class on my own, wonderful. Then cabbed across the park to the upper east side where I would be staying with my cousins for the remainder of my trip.

I was determined to go and see at least two broadway shows while I was in town. So Tuesday night I headed into Times Square around 6, walked right up to the TKTS booth and bought myself one ticket to Rock of Ages- awesome show full of sex, drugs and rock & roll! It's perfect to bring a guy who is not into musicals too. This was the first time I ever went to see a show on my own, I've never even gone to a movie alone before.

Wednesday I got even more bold! I went to the Guggenheim museum alone! I have always wanted to go to the Guggenheim because the design of the building has always intrigued me. I am so grateful that my cousin gave me his museum pass for the day and I got to go for free. It was mesmerizing. Afterwards I headed to Times Square again walked right up to the TKTS booth and bought myself one ticket to Phantom of the Opera; a broadway classic.

After my second show I walked to Grand Central Station, easily one of my favourite places in the city. It's such a beautiful building and I could stand on the balcony and watch the people walk around for hours! Met my friend Christy from the ship and then headed to the village for dinner and drinks.

Thursday morning I had breakfast with my cousin before heading to the airport for my next trip.

Lessons learned while in NYC:

1. I am a big girl who is perfectly capable of keeping myself company.
2. I love connecting with friends and family and genuinely make an effort to do so when I travel.
3. I will never wait in line for tickets at TKTS again! Even if I am not sitting only five rows back the show is still sensational and even if I'm with a bunch of people we can get individual seats all over and then talk about the show afterwards!
4. Work out a little before getting to NYC because I walk a lot while in the city and have shin splints right now...
5. People watching is one of my favourite things to do wherever I am but in NYC it's incredible.
6. Remember to smile, it won't mess up your hair! (This was taught to me by a singing group on the subway. I thought it was pretty clever!)

Online Dating

I will begin this post by giving myself credit for at least being open to the process of online dating. Celebrate! 

The catch is that so far- I hate it. 

In my quest to find someone to commit to I decided to take the plunge into the online dating scene. Here are the facts about my life; I travel for work- all over North America, I meet new people constantly- some of whom I am attracted to, but wait, right they live in another city- when I am at home I have a LOT of free time that I spend with friends and family and could easily fit in another relationship, whenever I am home and go out it's with friends and family I want to catch up with, I've never gone out with the intention of picking up... 

Now I ask you the question; how am I meant to meet someone?! Hence the power and magic of the internet. These online dating website have us input a bunch of information about ourselves and then using some algorithm that a mathematical genius figured out we get paired up with people that are apparently compatible with us. 

I can only speak for myself here but it seems that every time I am attracted to someone online- which is hard for me because I am a very physical person, in the sense that I need to meet the person to get a feel for them and through pictures and text alone is often not enough- they do not respond and vise versa. The guys who write to me first either start with "hey", which personally I find very uncreative and not ideal for an online dialogue- might work really well in person though- or they make a bad sexual joke, or I am just simply not attracted to them. 

There have been a few, a handful, that I have managed to carry on a conversation with online but so far none have translated into setting up a date. Why? (In case you haven't realized, my blog and purpose for being is to ask this question about pretty much everything! I'm basically a two year old for life!)

I have my theories of course about why but I don't really know or understand it. I think part of the hesitancy of setting up an actual date revolves around the words: what if? (Incidentally people wait their whole lives to do things because there are so many possible answers to the question what if.)

Online dating what ifs that I have come up with... WHAT IF:

- there's someone better for me online I just haven't found yet

- this person is crazy

- we have a terrible date

- he or she is way more into me than I'm into them

- they're an asshole

- they're just trying to get laid

You know as I am writing these down I realize that these are the same ridiculous questions we would ask ourselves even if we were conventionally dating, the only difference would be that I have already met them in person. 

For me I still think having encountered someone in person prior to accepting an official date is best. I rely on my intuition and feel for people too much to ever be fully comfortable with the online thing. That being said, when do I ever take the comfortable road? I pride myself on pushing my comfort zone and boundaries. 

I am going to stick with it for now and see what happens. At this point it's kind of an experiment. 

What am I meant to learn from all this?!  

Different Opinion?

I had a recent discussion about sex with a friend of mine and I had this shocking realization occur when he said something...

I had been talking about a relationship and how the sex and been great and how now we were just friends. Suddenly my wonderfully blunt male friend says, "Did he think the sex was great?"

At that moment in time I was literally stunned to silence. I had no words, which if you know me does not happen very often. I had NEVER thought that if I thought the sex was good the other person may not actually agree with that point of view. I also had never thought that if I thought it was bad, that the other person would not agree.

It's as if I had the only opinion and there couldn't possibly be a difference of opinions! I seriously was stunned. So in typical Veronica way I just asked. I asked a few of past relationships just to see what the comparison was because now I was really curious. For the most part we were all pretty much on the same page.

When I informed one of my girlfriends of the shocking new awareness I had she very poignantly said: "You are very into connection. You see sex as an expression of two people. If you see it as just getting laid, then it's clear it can be one sided."

I have actually written a book, which clearly still needs some work before I publish it, about sex. It's about my own experiences with it and what I have learned to this point. The idea/ objective of the book is to create a space for conscious conversations to take place about sex, especially with teens. This female friend has read my book and given me a ton of notes- which admittedly I still have not really gone through- so she know how I think about it.

I am well aware that many of you who read my blog may not want to know any of this information about my life, but well... here it is. My biggest learn about all this; communication and connection are really important to me! One more success step in finding the "one".

Success!

All I know is I need to write. What this post will end up being about I still have no idea. I know that as I type though, a line of thought is being created in my head and will guide me through this post. And sure enough there it is...

Guys. Or more so, relationships. I mean really how surprising could it possibly be that I of all people am called to write about relationships... again.

There has been an on going battle in my mind for the last two weeks or so. Some days it doesn't even phase me and others it seems to be all I can think of. I am primarily over it now, which is why I think I can write about it. I began a conversation with this guy back in May. We do not live in the same city, which clearly makes things a little more complicated. When we happened to be at the same event we hung out and when I was coming to his town we made plans. Had an awesome night.

I can see the possibility. He may also be able to see the possibility and maybe that's what caused the braking motion. Truth be told I am still not exactly sure what happened or what is going on for him and even if he were to explain it I will never full understand it because I am not him- it's really just that simple.

The one thing that I did discover- I did not have the urge to run!!! This may sound small and irrelevant since we are no longer, for lack of a better term to describe whatever we were, seeing each other however this is BIG for me. For the first time I was ready to take a stand and commit to seeing where our friendship and relationship could go. For the first time I was not the one saying, "I'm not sure this is a good idea." For the first time I was not the one backing off.

What does all that mean? Well in my rationalizing of it, it means that I am much closer to being ready for the right relationship to come into my life. I get that this was not the right one and that's okay, it was another learning experience for me and I hope that we can still get to know each other and be friends, and if not that's okay too. In the end I feel better and more being open to the possibility of something right coming in.

Success!

Jump Number 3

I have now jumped off of this bridge 3 times. Third time's a charm right? Well sorta...

On Friday August 9th a group of our team went up to the bridge to jump. I stayed back. I not only had no desire to jump that week I also had a burning desire to not be around a lot of people. After spending five days with over 370 people I needed some space. In the end I spent the day with my brother at the hospital because a spider bite he had was becoming infected. It may not have been what I had in mind for the day, however it was perfect.

Friday August 16th I wake up knowing we are going to the bridge and still thinking I am just going along for the ride and to say hi to the guys and thank you to Matt for always finding time for my groups to jump. Eventually we get in the car and begin the drive up...

I was enjoying the very fast car ride when my body suddenly felt different. At first I thought I was just getting queasy because of all the fast twists and turns of the highway up to Whistler but when I began to pay more attention to what I was really feeling it had nothing to do the the drive and everything to do with the fact that my body was preparing to jump.

I felt myself get nervous, excited, terrified and anxious all at the same time. My body knew I was going to jump long before my mind had come to the realization and agreement with itself. I had been battling with the idea of it all week. By the time I got to the bridge I knew I needed to do it even if it still took my mouth another 20 minutes to say the words out loud and commit to it.

This jump may have been my most "graceful" jump (I didn't flail nearly as much as the first two times) however it was also my most terrifying jump. My first jump I had a set release, my second was primarily adrenaline and excitement propelling me off the bridge, this time it was about letting go and purifying... although I am still not clear as to what I was letting go of.

Falling is just about the most exhilarating and terrifying feeling my body has ever experienced and this jump I felt it every second of the way down. Once I relaxed into the cord I had this overwhelming sense of ease and calmness come over me. I felt totally at peace and true to myself. Coming back up was when the purification came into play, the rain hit my face, drop by drop and cleansed whatever wonky energy I had going on from camp.

I am eternally grateful to the guys on the bridge who do such a brilliant job helping people take the step off the bridge into oblivion so they can feel what it's like to just let go and then be fully supported. Thank you Whistler Bungee!

Pursued

When life seems to be in disarray what do you do? I have discovered that I need to write. First I need to process with people out loud and then I sit down and write.

Something I have discovered that I want is structure. I am craving some form of routine. Within that routine I am craving an intimate relationship too. I have been hiding behind my travel schedule as a reason to not put myself out there and commit to being in a relationship- it's been so easy to hide!

In vocalizing that I really want to date and be in a relationship with another my wonderfully challenging friend Anthony asked me; "How do you want to be pursued?"

I stared at him dumbfounded. I had no words or even ideas for words to respond with. He made such a good point, "Veronica if you don't know how you want to be pursued how will you know that you are being pursued?!" Even now as I write this I am unsure of what may come through my typing...

I want someone to engage me in conversation, get to know me. I want them to be curious and courageous. I want them to ask me about myself and I want them to tell me about who they are. I am not really interested in what you do but I really want to know who you are and what you believe in.

I want someone to come up with interesting ways of interacting- fun and engaging dates where they call out my inner child (bowling, mini-putt etc... come to mind as options).

I also want the other side of that- nice intimate and romantic dinners where it's just us and we can talk all night, OR we can just sit on the couch and cuddle with a glass of wine and music.

Forget the flowers and chocolate- real food and fun is the way to my heart! (I suppose the picture is true...)

Disconnected

It's been about a week or so now that I have had this unrelenting feeling of being extremely disconnected. I am not sure if it's disconnection from source, from self, from others... It feels like it's all of the above.

I am at the airport right now, sitting at the window in the Air Canada lounge and contemplating why I have been feeling like this. I gotta say, it's really challenging to pin point. I am waiting for my flight to LA. I have two events over the next two weeks and I really should be excited about them............... I want to be............. I am not............ Normally I am at least really excited about seeing my incredible friends... and even that is currently just getting me onto the plane.

Ultimatley I simply feel ungrounded. I do not feel like I am in my body or like my spirit is at all connected to source. I feel like I am on auto pilot. I wake up, shower, dress, eat, putz around on my computer, read a little, maybe do something active that requires me to leave the house, sleep and then do it all over again the next day. I have had days like this before but right now it just feels like something is kicking my butt!

I know that there are things I could do to get me out of this energetic hole I seem to be in, yet I find it really challenging to actually do it! Yesterday I finally got back in the water and swam for awhile. Not as intensely as I need to shake this funk but at least I swam- it was a start to feeling like I was getting back into my body. This being said I now understand why some people LOVE to work out- it becomes a meditation, you can let go of the 'real world' and focus on the inner world.

Writing helps. Writing, thankfully has always helped me feel more connected, more grounded and more focused. I think because I process externally, whether it's by talking it out with someone or writing it out for myself- in my journal-, or writing a blog post where who knows how many people read it. There's something about writing that helps me gain clarity.

This time however, it's just helping me let go. I should not feel any particular way. I feel how I feel because that's how I feel. I do not need to justify it or explain it or make it go away. I just need to allow it the space it needs to be felt, and then I can move on from there. Life has it's ups and downs right? Sometimes I'm up and sometimes I'm down... and sometimes I have my eyes closed and have no clue where I am! (that's okay too!)