Sunday, July 21, 2013


When life seems to be in disarray what do you do? I have discovered that I need to write. First I need to process with people out loud and then I sit down and write.

Something I have discovered that I want is structure. I am craving some form of routine. Within that routine I am craving an intimate relationship too. I have been hiding behind my travel schedule as a reason to not put myself out there and commit to being in a relationship- it's been so easy to hide!

In vocalizing that I really want to date and be in a relationship with another my wonderfully challenging friend Anthony asked me; "How do you want to be pursued?"

I stared at him dumbfounded. I had no words or even ideas for words to respond with. He made such a good point, "Veronica if you don't know how you want to be pursued how will you know that you are being pursued?!" Even now as I write this I am unsure of what may come through my typing...

I want someone to engage me in conversation, get to know me. I want them to be curious and courageous. I want them to ask me about myself and I want them to tell me about who they are. I am not really interested in what you do but I really want to know who you are and what you believe in.

I want someone to come up with interesting ways of interacting- fun and engaging dates where they call out my inner child (bowling, mini-putt etc... come to mind as options).

I also want the other side of that- nice intimate and romantic dinners where it's just us and we can talk all night, OR we can just sit on the couch and cuddle with a glass of wine and music.

Forget the flowers and chocolate- real food and fun is the way to my heart! (I suppose the picture is true...)

Wednesday, July 10, 2013


It's been about a week or so now that I have had this unrelenting feeling of being extremely disconnected. I am not sure if it's disconnection from source, from self, from others... It feels like it's all of the above.

I am at the airport right now, sitting at the window in the Air Canada lounge and contemplating why I have been feeling like this. I gotta say, it's really challenging to pin point. I am waiting for my flight to LA. I have two events over the next two weeks and I really should be excited about them............... I want to be............. I am not............ Normally I am at least really excited about seeing my incredible friends... and even that is currently just getting me onto the plane.

Ultimatley I simply feel ungrounded. I do not feel like I am in my body or like my spirit is at all connected to source. I feel like I am on auto pilot. I wake up, shower, dress, eat, putz around on my computer, read a little, maybe do something active that requires me to leave the house, sleep and then do it all over again the next day. I have had days like this before but right now it just feels like something is kicking my butt!

I know that there are things I could do to get me out of this energetic hole I seem to be in, yet I find it really challenging to actually do it! Yesterday I finally got back in the water and swam for awhile. Not as intensely as I need to shake this funk but at least I swam- it was a start to feeling like I was getting back into my body. This being said I now understand why some people LOVE to work out- it becomes a meditation, you can let go of the 'real world' and focus on the inner world.

Writing helps. Writing, thankfully has always helped me feel more connected, more grounded and more focused. I think because I process externally, whether it's by talking it out with someone or writing it out for myself- in my journal-, or writing a blog post where who knows how many people read it. There's something about writing that helps me gain clarity.

This time however, it's just helping me let go. I should not feel any particular way. I feel how I feel because that's how I feel. I do not need to justify it or explain it or make it go away. I just need to allow it the space it needs to be felt, and then I can move on from there. Life has it's ups and downs right? Sometimes I'm up and sometimes I'm down... and sometimes I have my eyes closed and have no clue where I am! (that's okay too!) 

Monday, July 8, 2013


What is friendship? What does it really mean?

Over the course of my lifetime I have been extremely fortunate to have created some truly remarkable friendships with some amazing people. This past weekend while at a friends cottage I had some time to sit on my own on the dock, early in the morning. The lake was so peaceful and inviting. While sitting there I had the opportunity to look inside a little and gain some clarity about where I'm at.

I am sure I have written about what kind of intimate relationship I would like to create in my life and I have to say that I am realizing that's kind of what I look for in a friendship too. I suppose this is actually a really great realization since my ideal intimate relationship is based on friendship!

Anyway I had an "A-HA" moment of sorts while talking to another friend last night. To me friendship is about being around people who call out your gifts and the best of you. Friends are people who always call out your best- even when you feel at your worst. They stick by you, trust you, empower you, cherish you and will do the best they can to support you. These are, in the most basic terms- and one that I am coming to love more and more, the people who have your back.

There are times when I feel like I am so in my own thing that I am not really there for my friends. There are other time when I feel the same is true for them. The balance becomes, how do I find a way to be there for myself, support and honor what I need, while still being there for them? Sometimes I have to say no to things they ask, even though I want to support them.

How many people do you have in your life that you trust implicitly to have your back? I actually have a lot more than I thought when I began writing this post. Now as I sit here typing I realize just how fortunate I really am with the incredible people I have in my life. You know exactly who you are and I am incredibly grateful for each and every one of you.