All I know is I need to write. What this post will end up being about I still have no idea. I know that as I type though, a line of thought is being created in my head and will guide me through this post. And sure enough there it is...
Guys. Or more so, relationships. I mean really how surprising could it possibly be that I of all people am called to write about relationships... again.
There has been an on going battle in my mind for the last two weeks or so. Some days it doesn't even phase me and others it seems to be all I can think of. I am primarily over it now, which is why I think I can write about it. I began a conversation with this guy back in May. We do not live in the same city, which clearly makes things a little more complicated. When we happened to be at the same event we hung out and when I was coming to his town we made plans. Had an awesome night.
I can see the possibility. He may also be able to see the possibility and maybe that's what caused the braking motion. Truth be told I am still not exactly sure what happened or what is going on for him and even if he were to explain it I will never full understand it because I am not him- it's really just that simple.
The one thing that I did discover- I did not have the urge to run!!! This may sound small and irrelevant since we are no longer, for lack of a better term to describe whatever we were, seeing each other however this is BIG for me. For the first time I was ready to take a stand and commit to seeing where our friendship and relationship could go. For the first time I was not the one saying, "I'm not sure this is a good idea." For the first time I was not the one backing off.
What does all that mean? Well in my rationalizing of it, it means that I am much closer to being ready for the right relationship to come into my life. I get that this was not the right one and that's okay, it was another learning experience for me and I hope that we can still get to know each other and be friends, and if not that's okay too. In the end I feel better and more being open to the possibility of something right coming in.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
On Friday August 9th a group of our team went up to the bridge to jump. I stayed back. I not only had no desire to jump that week I also had a burning desire to not be around a lot of people. After spending five days with over 370 people I needed some space. In the end I spent the day with my brother at the hospital because a spider bite he had was becoming infected. It may not have been what I had in mind for the day, however it was perfect.
Friday August 16th I wake up knowing we are going to the bridge and still thinking I am just going along for the ride and to say hi to the guys and thank you to Matt for always finding time for my groups to jump. Eventually we get in the car and begin the drive up...
I was enjoying the very fast car ride when my body suddenly felt different. At first I thought I was just getting queasy because of all the fast twists and turns of the highway up to Whistler but when I began to pay more attention to what I was really feeling it had nothing to do the the drive and everything to do with the fact that my body was preparing to jump.
I felt myself get nervous, excited, terrified and anxious all at the same time. My body knew I was going to jump long before my mind had come to the realization and agreement with itself. I had been battling with the idea of it all week. By the time I got to the bridge I knew I needed to do it even if it still took my mouth another 20 minutes to say the words out loud and commit to it.
This jump may have been my most "graceful" jump (I didn't flail nearly as much as the first two times) however it was also my most terrifying jump. My first jump I had a set release, my second was primarily adrenaline and excitement propelling me off the bridge, this time it was about letting go and purifying... although I am still not clear as to what I was letting go of.
Falling is just about the most exhilarating and terrifying feeling my body has ever experienced and this jump I felt it every second of the way down. Once I relaxed into the cord I had this overwhelming sense of ease and calmness come over me. I felt totally at peace and true to myself. Coming back up was when the purification came into play, the rain hit my face, drop by drop and cleansed whatever wonky energy I had going on from camp.
I am eternally grateful to the guys on the bridge who do such a brilliant job helping people take the step off the bridge into oblivion so they can feel what it's like to just let go and then be fully supported. Thank you Whistler Bungee!