Thursday, March 6, 2014

Love & Anger

Two weeks ago I attended a workshop called The Mastery of Self-Expression in Vancouver BC, I highly recommend it and if you can do it in Vancouver or Los Angeles; I kinda LOVE the facilitator that does those cities.

While attending this workshop I discovered a few things. The most notable of which is that Love & Anger are two sides of the same coin.

Love & Anger are two sides of the same coin. Two sides. Same coin. One doesn't exist without the other. Like hot and cold. Right and left.

As you can see I am still working on wrapping my brain around this. What I experienced though is the simple fact that if you are unable to really feel and express your anger then you are also unable to really feel and express your love. The truth is that they stem from the same place, it's called EMOTION!

Who are the people you get the most angry at? Are they the random people who cut you off in traffic? Or are they the people who you care so deeply about that you want to see succeed? Those people in traffic might get to you in the moment and if you don't let it go in that moment it gets carried home to the people you love the most.

Passion shows up as both love and anger. Passion is raw emotion that gets expressed one way or another.

I realized that I have been cutting off my emotional centre for many years. Not so much with my friends and family but certainly in the context of my intimate relationships. Although I have to admit that if how you do anything is how you do everything then I have not been allowing myself to be fully 'in' any of my relationships.

I discovered that I was actually really angry at my first boyfriend during the workshop. I thought I had dealt with it. I mean seriously we broke up 9- NINE- years ago!!! But I realized that back then I went into protection mode and I cut myself off from ever really feeling angry or sad or the sense of loss because I needed to survive and not care about him anymore. Over the last nine years I have cleared a LOT around that relationship. Yet low and behold when we were asked to write a letter to someone we were still angry or resentful towards he was the first person that came to mind and I had NO problem writing the letter.

I had been trying to deal with it in the 'enlightened' way and I had still never allowed myself to feel and express the anger and hurt I experienced. Well the workshop allowed me to do just that. I left everything in that room. I put everything I had into it; my voice, my body, my soul- everything. The next morning I woke up and felt like I had been hit by a train!

This week I am home. I felt compelled to message my ex and sit down with him. We have only sat down once 5 years ago when I was finally able to own up to the fact that our relationship wasn't all his fault and that I had played a part in it too. This time we sat and I wanted to fill in the gaps of what happened when we broke up and I went into protection mode. I wanted to heal. I wanted to apologize and I wanted to forgive. Forgive both him and myself.

We talked and honestly said what we needed to say. I discovered that we agree on when our relationship began to disintegrate and I now understand why. I apologize for being such a bitch at the end, no matter what was happening no ones deserves to be treated that way. I got to see that there are parts of him that I was attracted to and I can stop beating myself up for every getting involved. For so long I have been angry at myself for putting myself through all of it and now I am okay. We agreed that we were just so mean to each other and acknowledged our horrible behaviour, which you may think makes no difference nine years later but for me it does.

I left The Mastery of Self-Expression feeling re-energized and vibrant. I left my conversation with my ex feeling lighter and complete.

I would say that the month of February did exactly what I felt it would; it transformed me.

I know I have shared this song about a million times now but I am sharing it again. If you haven't heard it just listen and let it wash over you.