Abundant Test

It seems like the universe has been testing me lately. I have come up against or to many situations where I must choose one thing or another. In March it was a well deserved and very needed vacation or one day of work which they were unable to replace me with. And this week it was core team at MMI in Toronto the first weekend of June or being here to hold the room for a guest trainer coming in from Denver for our new group/ community.

In March I did not want to disappoint anyone. I did not want to disappoint work and not show up because I made a commitment to them. I also did not want to loose $900 which I had paid for the trip. In the end it all worked out and I went on my trip and the day of work, which they replaced me for ended up being canceled. In the end I had made the right choice.

Now, or this week, I faced the choice of two wonderful things. This is not a situation in where I could choose both. The two events are running at exactly the same time. EPIC-U (our training company we are starting as the Buna family) is holding space for Aspen DeCew on Saturday June 5th here in Montreal, while Peak is holding MMI in Toronto June 4-6th. How was I meant to choose between the two of them? They are both things that I have been working so hard to reach!

When I first received the email from Peaks asking me to work I wanted to scream. I was so frustrated at the universe for sending both of them at the same time and making me chose one. Then I stopped my thought and redirected, "Thank you universe for giving me both of these wonderful opportunities!" The universe does not send you want you have not created or what you cannot handle. I understand this so I sat down for a debug session with my dad around why I am continuing to create situations where I must choose one thing or another thing.

When I commit to something I see it through. I am reliable and dedicated. I do not want to disappoint anyone because I don't want them to be mad at me. I also don't want them to leave. I am scared of being alone. I discovered ALL of that from the energy that was surrounding this situation. In the end we debugged around, "I freely choose from my heart" Once I was debugged I work an email to Peaks and said thanks for the offer but I am going to have to say no for this event. For whatever reason my heart and intuition is telling me that I need to be here for our event.

I trust the universe and myself. I trust that this is the correct choice although this weekend it has been tested already! Oh universe you are special aren't you?!

My Shadow

This up coming Thursday April 8th my family will be hosting their first Conscious Conversation Community gathering where we are screening the movie The Shadow Effect by Debbie Ford. To prepare ourselves we have already watched the movie and my parents took it a step further so that they can lead the discussion after the screening and they watched the interactive disk. I have also read her book, The Dark Side of the Light Chasers after many people had mentioned it to me this past summer. I discovered that once I heard about something three times it was the universe telling me to pay attention.

Anyway as my parents were watching the interactive disk my mother called me over and asked, "What's your best quality?" I paused for about a split second before responding with what I am pretty sure is an automatic response to that question when it is posed to me, "Outgoing" Then she asks, "What's the opposite of outgoing?" and I say, "Shy." According to the movie my shadow is shy.

Here's the thing; I am well aware of the fact that I am shy. When I walk into a space I have never been with people I have never met unless I am running the show I am very reserved and closed. I am shy. I hold back and wait to see what will happen before I step into my light. So I know this about myself and I understand that this is part of who I am. Others, however do not see this part. I suppose this is what makes it part of my shadow. Once I am ok with the situation, setting, space and step into my light and become outgoing and fun and energetic. Then I am remember as those things. People tend to only remember me as that because it doesn't take me long to get there. My outgoingness outshines my shyness.

I remember having a conversation with a guy friend of mine where I mentioned the fact that I am actually really shy and he laughed. I honestly would not be surprised if many of you read it here and laughed. I understand that most people do not see that part of me but I do. I know who I am (most of the time anyway) and I am proud of all parts of myself. I know there's always more to learn though and I suppose that's why I am still alive!

Summertime?

So it is April 3rd this morning in Montreal, Quebec, Canada and the high for today is meant to be 24 degrees Celsius! Yesterday it was the same. I cannot tell you how wonderful it was to go for a walk with my dogs yesterday in flip flops, shorts and a t-shirt. Then to go and sit by the water in Lachine and eat a small skor blizzard from Dairy Queen really topped it off. It truly felt like summer around here yesterday. A phenomenally gorgeous day overall.

The summertime feel of the day got my thinking about my summertime plans this year. There are so many things that I want to do and get done and be a part of that I honestly do not know how it will all pan out. I suppose that you never know how things will turn out until they do. I only suppose that I have learned a few times recently that everything will work out perfectly and just as it should... Perhaps I can just trust then?

This is me though so I am going to set an intention here for myself and the universe. The universe ultimately makes the final decision and I understand and respect that but if I don't tell the universe what I want then how can it know what to send me?

I intend to work Warrior in BC, come home and have a week off then drive to NY and attend ULC. Stay in NY and krew Warrior then fly out to BC again and work MOSHOG. From BC drive down- road trip- to Fresno to krew Warrior CA OR fly to San Fran and drive to Big Sur to camp then continue the drive to Fresno for Warrior.

Now back to the part where I wrote very wisely I believe; 'if I don't tell the universe what I want then how can it know what to send me'. As I was writing this or I suppose more honestly as soon as the sentence formed itself in my mind I thought about my situation with boys... I have the idea of what I want however I seem to consistently not be ready to receive it even if the universe sends it. This then tells the universe to stop sending me what I have asked for because I am not receiving it's gifts. Make sense?

I feel like for some reason in my mind that if the universe sends me the perfect guy for me now that this is it. That this guy will be the one and that we will get married and blah blah blah. I suppose that somewhere in my mind I understand that this is unlikely to happen but I seem to still not be able to manifest the right guy for me. However this thought makes me then question who's to say that the right guy for me right now is not the guy that has already appeared or not the guy that I meet tomorrow? Perhaps all of these 'not the right guy for the future' guys I keep getting involved with are actually the perfect guy for me now.

"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift; that's why they call it the present." That's the saying right? So why can't I simply enjoy the relationships that come up now in the present and allow the future's mystery to enfold?

Parenthood

In the honour of full disclosure here, I am very unsure as to whether or not I want to be a parent. I remember the first time I spoke that phrase out loud to some girlfriends of mine they looked at me like I was crazy, and that must have been about four years ago now. I still feel like I am very much on the fence about it. For me if I am on the fence it means I am leaning more towards the not having kids because let's face it, it would be be beyond ridiculous of me to be on the fence about being parent and still embark on the journey! I believe that there is a huge difference between my fence position right now and the position or thought of "I know I want kids I am just scared that I won't do a good job" To me that thought makes perfect sense because really we never know what's going to come up or what's going to happen and as a parent especially you just have to go with the flow and take things as they come.

I suppose you are wondering what has brought about this topic of blog... Well many things in my life seem to have been around the talk of kids recently, which of course has got me thinking. My cousin is pregnant and is due to give birth on May 10th- coming up soon! So we are preparing to throw her a baby shower. I have never been to a baby shower before and am excited to become an aunt. I realize that technically speaking I am not an aunt since this baby girl is not my niece but I am still going to be referred to as aunt Veronica! There is baby talk number one. This topic of conversation with other friends also inevitably brings up their experiences with baby showers and kids in general.

Then, on top of just the talk, friends of ours came over this weekend with their kids. They have three; a 6 almost 7 year old girl and two twin 4 year old boys. These kids are very cute- I will certainly give them that. When they use their words and ask nicely for things I am more than happy to respond. However when they use whiny voices and don't ask for what they want I stop listening. They can whine all they want I am not going to respond. I figure at some point they will realize that whining does not get them anywhere. Now I am well aware that as an outsider it is easy to look in and have opinions, while in the heat of the fire of parenthood it becomes a much greyer area of unknowns. When do you give in? When do you not? How do you know what battles to pick? This has me thinking that I do not want to have to go through all of this. I also am keenly aware that if I ever become a mother I will be a very strong one who will simply not put up with kids running all over me. I will be similar to my mom in many ways. My experience dealing with kids has already shown me that.

Perhaps I will be a mom... Or perhaps I will be the coolest most awesomest aunt ever! I keep thinking that I am simply going to have to play it by ear and see what life has in store for me. Aunts are just as important! Read Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat, Pray, Love. She knows she does not want kids. Well now she does anyway, and she talks about the important role that the none mothers, aka the aunts throughout societies have played and will continue to play.

All in all kids are a very large part of my life already without having any of my own... Perhaps I will feel very different when that perfect guy for me appears. Who really knows? All I know for certain is that if I had to pick the perfect guy for me or kids it would be the guy. The guy comes first in the equation! Remember the song... "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage" Some people skip the last part while others skip the first and jump straight to the last one. Who knows!

Meant to be

It is very interesting how things turn out. The universe is always on purpose. I am unsure exactly what lesson I am meant to take from this particular experience but I am sure it will be crystal clear to me in the near future.

A few weeks ago I wrote a post about disappointment. I wrote about how my brother got the job that we both wanted while I was told we love you but not right now- in much nicer terms. Yesterday, Monday March 8th, I am flying home from Cuba when this thought- a very powerful and imposing thought at that- enters my mind, 'Check your email when you get home. Angela wrote to you and it's important.' I begin thinking about what it could be. After I calmed down from the immense amount of pain that I had gone through I had emailed her asking what my next steps where and for more feedback so that I could continue to improve my skills.

The plane lands safely in Montreal, I am not all that thrilled because honestly I could've spent another 3 days in Cuba (10 days is, I believe what an All Inclusive vacation should be), and I turn on my phone to message my parents and see what I may have missed in my world back home. Turns out that I have 3 missed calls; Fido my cell phone company, Phil- a friend from Toronto saying hi and welcome home, and Angela. Now the first two don't surprise me so much and although the third one doesn't surprise me after the thought I had on the plane but it does sort of surprise me at the same time. Does that make sense?

Angela sounds like she really wants to talk to me and soon. She says not only is she calling now but she had also emailed me and to let her know when we can talk as soon as possible. I email her when I get home that today would be good around 6pm. Turns out I was available earlier so I sent her a messaging saying that and within ten minutes she was on the phone with me. She was touching base with how I was doing with the whole situation and just seeing where I was at. I said I was much better and that I would be krewing Wealth and Wisdom in April to gain some more experience. Now she says, "Well Veronica the universe seems to work in mystrious ways. The second person we wanted to hire has declined the offer. The job is yours if you want it."

To be totally honest I'm not sure what I said next. I believe it was something along the lines of, "Are you SERIOUS?" A of this March 9th, 2010 I have officially signed and sent in my contract with Peak Potential Trainings as a Canadian Core Team member! Chris and I get to go through the process together!

I think my lesson here is, believe. Huh funny how that was our theme for these phenomenal Olympics that just past out in Vancouver... Believe. And that I am a powerful manifester!!!