Alone in NYC

Technically speaking I was travelling alone in NYC for the last few days. However, in a city with over 8 million people (all five boroughs) it's actually a little hard to feel alone. Scratch that, it's next to impossible to feel alone, especially when there are seven people touching you on the subway as you are shuttled from one part of the city to another.

I have spent the last few days here in Manhattan and I really do enjoy it, for the most part anyway. I stand by my sentiment of not wanting to live here however I could easily spend a month at a time in the city every few months getting a major dose of arts, culture and food!

This week was a test for me. I tend to travel with people. I have never really been very good at spending time alone, especially when travelling.

Monday I spent the day catching up on emails and sleep. Got into the city that night and went to my first yoga class in over three months with a friend; Pure West- nicest yoga studio I've ever seen! The next day I went to a class on my own, wonderful. Then cabbed across the park to the upper east side where I would be staying with my cousins for the remainder of my trip.

I was determined to go and see at least two broadway shows while I was in town. So Tuesday night I headed into Times Square around 6, walked right up to the TKTS booth and bought myself one ticket to Rock of Ages- awesome show full of sex, drugs and rock & roll! It's perfect to bring a guy who is not into musicals too. This was the first time I ever went to see a show on my own, I've never even gone to a movie alone before.

Wednesday I got even more bold! I went to the Guggenheim museum alone! I have always wanted to go to the Guggenheim because the design of the building has always intrigued me. I am so grateful that my cousin gave me his museum pass for the day and I got to go for free. It was mesmerizing. Afterwards I headed to Times Square again walked right up to the TKTS booth and bought myself one ticket to Phantom of the Opera; a broadway classic.

After my second show I walked to Grand Central Station, easily one of my favourite places in the city. It's such a beautiful building and I could stand on the balcony and watch the people walk around for hours! Met my friend Christy from the ship and then headed to the village for dinner and drinks.

Thursday morning I had breakfast with my cousin before heading to the airport for my next trip.

Lessons learned while in NYC:

1. I am a big girl who is perfectly capable of keeping myself company.
2. I love connecting with friends and family and genuinely make an effort to do so when I travel.
3. I will never wait in line for tickets at TKTS again! Even if I am not sitting only five rows back the show is still sensational and even if I'm with a bunch of people we can get individual seats all over and then talk about the show afterwards!
4. Work out a little before getting to NYC because I walk a lot while in the city and have shin splints right now...
5. People watching is one of my favourite things to do wherever I am but in NYC it's incredible.
6. Remember to smile, it won't mess up your hair! (This was taught to me by a singing group on the subway. I thought it was pretty clever!)

Online Dating

I will begin this post by giving myself credit for at least being open to the process of online dating. Celebrate! 

The catch is that so far- I hate it. 

In my quest to find someone to commit to I decided to take the plunge into the online dating scene. Here are the facts about my life; I travel for work- all over North America, I meet new people constantly- some of whom I am attracted to, but wait, right they live in another city- when I am at home I have a LOT of free time that I spend with friends and family and could easily fit in another relationship, whenever I am home and go out it's with friends and family I want to catch up with, I've never gone out with the intention of picking up... 

Now I ask you the question; how am I meant to meet someone?! Hence the power and magic of the internet. These online dating website have us input a bunch of information about ourselves and then using some algorithm that a mathematical genius figured out we get paired up with people that are apparently compatible with us. 

I can only speak for myself here but it seems that every time I am attracted to someone online- which is hard for me because I am a very physical person, in the sense that I need to meet the person to get a feel for them and through pictures and text alone is often not enough- they do not respond and vise versa. The guys who write to me first either start with "hey", which personally I find very uncreative and not ideal for an online dialogue- might work really well in person though- or they make a bad sexual joke, or I am just simply not attracted to them. 

There have been a few, a handful, that I have managed to carry on a conversation with online but so far none have translated into setting up a date. Why? (In case you haven't realized, my blog and purpose for being is to ask this question about pretty much everything! I'm basically a two year old for life!)

I have my theories of course about why but I don't really know or understand it. I think part of the hesitancy of setting up an actual date revolves around the words: what if? (Incidentally people wait their whole lives to do things because there are so many possible answers to the question what if.)

Online dating what ifs that I have come up with... WHAT IF:

- there's someone better for me online I just haven't found yet

- this person is crazy

- we have a terrible date

- he or she is way more into me than I'm into them

- they're an asshole

- they're just trying to get laid

You know as I am writing these down I realize that these are the same ridiculous questions we would ask ourselves even if we were conventionally dating, the only difference would be that I have already met them in person. 

For me I still think having encountered someone in person prior to accepting an official date is best. I rely on my intuition and feel for people too much to ever be fully comfortable with the online thing. That being said, when do I ever take the comfortable road? I pride myself on pushing my comfort zone and boundaries. 

I am going to stick with it for now and see what happens. At this point it's kind of an experiment. 

What am I meant to learn from all this?!  

Different Opinion?

I had a recent discussion about sex with a friend of mine and I had this shocking realization occur when he said something...

I had been talking about a relationship and how the sex and been great and how now we were just friends. Suddenly my wonderfully blunt male friend says, "Did he think the sex was great?"

At that moment in time I was literally stunned to silence. I had no words, which if you know me does not happen very often. I had NEVER thought that if I thought the sex was good the other person may not actually agree with that point of view. I also had never thought that if I thought it was bad, that the other person would not agree.

It's as if I had the only opinion and there couldn't possibly be a difference of opinions! I seriously was stunned. So in typical Veronica way I just asked. I asked a few of past relationships just to see what the comparison was because now I was really curious. For the most part we were all pretty much on the same page.

When I informed one of my girlfriends of the shocking new awareness I had she very poignantly said: "You are very into connection. You see sex as an expression of two people. If you see it as just getting laid, then it's clear it can be one sided."

I have actually written a book, which clearly still needs some work before I publish it, about sex. It's about my own experiences with it and what I have learned to this point. The idea/ objective of the book is to create a space for conscious conversations to take place about sex, especially with teens. This female friend has read my book and given me a ton of notes- which admittedly I still have not really gone through- so she know how I think about it.

I am well aware that many of you who read my blog may not want to know any of this information about my life, but well... here it is. My biggest learn about all this; communication and connection are really important to me! One more success step in finding the "one".

Success!

All I know is I need to write. What this post will end up being about I still have no idea. I know that as I type though, a line of thought is being created in my head and will guide me through this post. And sure enough there it is...

Guys. Or more so, relationships. I mean really how surprising could it possibly be that I of all people am called to write about relationships... again.

There has been an on going battle in my mind for the last two weeks or so. Some days it doesn't even phase me and others it seems to be all I can think of. I am primarily over it now, which is why I think I can write about it. I began a conversation with this guy back in May. We do not live in the same city, which clearly makes things a little more complicated. When we happened to be at the same event we hung out and when I was coming to his town we made plans. Had an awesome night.

I can see the possibility. He may also be able to see the possibility and maybe that's what caused the braking motion. Truth be told I am still not exactly sure what happened or what is going on for him and even if he were to explain it I will never full understand it because I am not him- it's really just that simple.

The one thing that I did discover- I did not have the urge to run!!! This may sound small and irrelevant since we are no longer, for lack of a better term to describe whatever we were, seeing each other however this is BIG for me. For the first time I was ready to take a stand and commit to seeing where our friendship and relationship could go. For the first time I was not the one saying, "I'm not sure this is a good idea." For the first time I was not the one backing off.

What does all that mean? Well in my rationalizing of it, it means that I am much closer to being ready for the right relationship to come into my life. I get that this was not the right one and that's okay, it was another learning experience for me and I hope that we can still get to know each other and be friends, and if not that's okay too. In the end I feel better and more being open to the possibility of something right coming in.

Success!

Jump Number 3

I have now jumped off of this bridge 3 times. Third time's a charm right? Well sorta...

On Friday August 9th a group of our team went up to the bridge to jump. I stayed back. I not only had no desire to jump that week I also had a burning desire to not be around a lot of people. After spending five days with over 370 people I needed some space. In the end I spent the day with my brother at the hospital because a spider bite he had was becoming infected. It may not have been what I had in mind for the day, however it was perfect.

Friday August 16th I wake up knowing we are going to the bridge and still thinking I am just going along for the ride and to say hi to the guys and thank you to Matt for always finding time for my groups to jump. Eventually we get in the car and begin the drive up...

I was enjoying the very fast car ride when my body suddenly felt different. At first I thought I was just getting queasy because of all the fast twists and turns of the highway up to Whistler but when I began to pay more attention to what I was really feeling it had nothing to do the the drive and everything to do with the fact that my body was preparing to jump.

I felt myself get nervous, excited, terrified and anxious all at the same time. My body knew I was going to jump long before my mind had come to the realization and agreement with itself. I had been battling with the idea of it all week. By the time I got to the bridge I knew I needed to do it even if it still took my mouth another 20 minutes to say the words out loud and commit to it.

This jump may have been my most "graceful" jump (I didn't flail nearly as much as the first two times) however it was also my most terrifying jump. My first jump I had a set release, my second was primarily adrenaline and excitement propelling me off the bridge, this time it was about letting go and purifying... although I am still not clear as to what I was letting go of.

Falling is just about the most exhilarating and terrifying feeling my body has ever experienced and this jump I felt it every second of the way down. Once I relaxed into the cord I had this overwhelming sense of ease and calmness come over me. I felt totally at peace and true to myself. Coming back up was when the purification came into play, the rain hit my face, drop by drop and cleansed whatever wonky energy I had going on from camp.

I am eternally grateful to the guys on the bridge who do such a brilliant job helping people take the step off the bridge into oblivion so they can feel what it's like to just let go and then be fully supported. Thank you Whistler Bungee!