Online Dating

I will begin this post by giving myself credit for at least being open to the process of online dating. Celebrate! 

The catch is that so far- I hate it. 

In my quest to find someone to commit to I decided to take the plunge into the online dating scene. Here are the facts about my life; I travel for work- all over North America, I meet new people constantly- some of whom I am attracted to, but wait, right they live in another city- when I am at home I have a LOT of free time that I spend with friends and family and could easily fit in another relationship, whenever I am home and go out it's with friends and family I want to catch up with, I've never gone out with the intention of picking up... 

Now I ask you the question; how am I meant to meet someone?! Hence the power and magic of the internet. These online dating website have us input a bunch of information about ourselves and then using some algorithm that a mathematical genius figured out we get paired up with people that are apparently compatible with us. 

I can only speak for myself here but it seems that every time I am attracted to someone online- which is hard for me because I am a very physical person, in the sense that I need to meet the person to get a feel for them and through pictures and text alone is often not enough- they do not respond and vise versa. The guys who write to me first either start with "hey", which personally I find very uncreative and not ideal for an online dialogue- might work really well in person though- or they make a bad sexual joke, or I am just simply not attracted to them. 

There have been a few, a handful, that I have managed to carry on a conversation with online but so far none have translated into setting up a date. Why? (In case you haven't realized, my blog and purpose for being is to ask this question about pretty much everything! I'm basically a two year old for life!)

I have my theories of course about why but I don't really know or understand it. I think part of the hesitancy of setting up an actual date revolves around the words: what if? (Incidentally people wait their whole lives to do things because there are so many possible answers to the question what if.)

Online dating what ifs that I have come up with... WHAT IF:

- there's someone better for me online I just haven't found yet

- this person is crazy

- we have a terrible date

- he or she is way more into me than I'm into them

- they're an asshole

- they're just trying to get laid

You know as I am writing these down I realize that these are the same ridiculous questions we would ask ourselves even if we were conventionally dating, the only difference would be that I have already met them in person. 

For me I still think having encountered someone in person prior to accepting an official date is best. I rely on my intuition and feel for people too much to ever be fully comfortable with the online thing. That being said, when do I ever take the comfortable road? I pride myself on pushing my comfort zone and boundaries. 

I am going to stick with it for now and see what happens. At this point it's kind of an experiment. 

What am I meant to learn from all this?!  

Different Opinion?

I had a recent discussion about sex with a friend of mine and I had this shocking realization occur when he said something...

I had been talking about a relationship and how the sex and been great and how now we were just friends. Suddenly my wonderfully blunt male friend says, "Did he think the sex was great?"

At that moment in time I was literally stunned to silence. I had no words, which if you know me does not happen very often. I had NEVER thought that if I thought the sex was good the other person may not actually agree with that point of view. I also had never thought that if I thought it was bad, that the other person would not agree.

It's as if I had the only opinion and there couldn't possibly be a difference of opinions! I seriously was stunned. So in typical Veronica way I just asked. I asked a few of past relationships just to see what the comparison was because now I was really curious. For the most part we were all pretty much on the same page.

When I informed one of my girlfriends of the shocking new awareness I had she very poignantly said: "You are very into connection. You see sex as an expression of two people. If you see it as just getting laid, then it's clear it can be one sided."

I have actually written a book, which clearly still needs some work before I publish it, about sex. It's about my own experiences with it and what I have learned to this point. The idea/ objective of the book is to create a space for conscious conversations to take place about sex, especially with teens. This female friend has read my book and given me a ton of notes- which admittedly I still have not really gone through- so she know how I think about it.

I am well aware that many of you who read my blog may not want to know any of this information about my life, but well... here it is. My biggest learn about all this; communication and connection are really important to me! One more success step in finding the "one".

Success!

All I know is I need to write. What this post will end up being about I still have no idea. I know that as I type though, a line of thought is being created in my head and will guide me through this post. And sure enough there it is...

Guys. Or more so, relationships. I mean really how surprising could it possibly be that I of all people am called to write about relationships... again.

There has been an on going battle in my mind for the last two weeks or so. Some days it doesn't even phase me and others it seems to be all I can think of. I am primarily over it now, which is why I think I can write about it. I began a conversation with this guy back in May. We do not live in the same city, which clearly makes things a little more complicated. When we happened to be at the same event we hung out and when I was coming to his town we made plans. Had an awesome night.

I can see the possibility. He may also be able to see the possibility and maybe that's what caused the braking motion. Truth be told I am still not exactly sure what happened or what is going on for him and even if he were to explain it I will never full understand it because I am not him- it's really just that simple.

The one thing that I did discover- I did not have the urge to run!!! This may sound small and irrelevant since we are no longer, for lack of a better term to describe whatever we were, seeing each other however this is BIG for me. For the first time I was ready to take a stand and commit to seeing where our friendship and relationship could go. For the first time I was not the one saying, "I'm not sure this is a good idea." For the first time I was not the one backing off.

What does all that mean? Well in my rationalizing of it, it means that I am much closer to being ready for the right relationship to come into my life. I get that this was not the right one and that's okay, it was another learning experience for me and I hope that we can still get to know each other and be friends, and if not that's okay too. In the end I feel better and more being open to the possibility of something right coming in.

Success!

Jump Number 3

I have now jumped off of this bridge 3 times. Third time's a charm right? Well sorta...

On Friday August 9th a group of our team went up to the bridge to jump. I stayed back. I not only had no desire to jump that week I also had a burning desire to not be around a lot of people. After spending five days with over 370 people I needed some space. In the end I spent the day with my brother at the hospital because a spider bite he had was becoming infected. It may not have been what I had in mind for the day, however it was perfect.

Friday August 16th I wake up knowing we are going to the bridge and still thinking I am just going along for the ride and to say hi to the guys and thank you to Matt for always finding time for my groups to jump. Eventually we get in the car and begin the drive up...

I was enjoying the very fast car ride when my body suddenly felt different. At first I thought I was just getting queasy because of all the fast twists and turns of the highway up to Whistler but when I began to pay more attention to what I was really feeling it had nothing to do the the drive and everything to do with the fact that my body was preparing to jump.

I felt myself get nervous, excited, terrified and anxious all at the same time. My body knew I was going to jump long before my mind had come to the realization and agreement with itself. I had been battling with the idea of it all week. By the time I got to the bridge I knew I needed to do it even if it still took my mouth another 20 minutes to say the words out loud and commit to it.

This jump may have been my most "graceful" jump (I didn't flail nearly as much as the first two times) however it was also my most terrifying jump. My first jump I had a set release, my second was primarily adrenaline and excitement propelling me off the bridge, this time it was about letting go and purifying... although I am still not clear as to what I was letting go of.

Falling is just about the most exhilarating and terrifying feeling my body has ever experienced and this jump I felt it every second of the way down. Once I relaxed into the cord I had this overwhelming sense of ease and calmness come over me. I felt totally at peace and true to myself. Coming back up was when the purification came into play, the rain hit my face, drop by drop and cleansed whatever wonky energy I had going on from camp.

I am eternally grateful to the guys on the bridge who do such a brilliant job helping people take the step off the bridge into oblivion so they can feel what it's like to just let go and then be fully supported. Thank you Whistler Bungee!

Pursued

When life seems to be in disarray what do you do? I have discovered that I need to write. First I need to process with people out loud and then I sit down and write.

Something I have discovered that I want is structure. I am craving some form of routine. Within that routine I am craving an intimate relationship too. I have been hiding behind my travel schedule as a reason to not put myself out there and commit to being in a relationship- it's been so easy to hide!

In vocalizing that I really want to date and be in a relationship with another my wonderfully challenging friend Anthony asked me; "How do you want to be pursued?"

I stared at him dumbfounded. I had no words or even ideas for words to respond with. He made such a good point, "Veronica if you don't know how you want to be pursued how will you know that you are being pursued?!" Even now as I write this I am unsure of what may come through my typing...

I want someone to engage me in conversation, get to know me. I want them to be curious and courageous. I want them to ask me about myself and I want them to tell me about who they are. I am not really interested in what you do but I really want to know who you are and what you believe in.

I want someone to come up with interesting ways of interacting- fun and engaging dates where they call out my inner child (bowling, mini-putt etc... come to mind as options).

I also want the other side of that- nice intimate and romantic dinners where it's just us and we can talk all night, OR we can just sit on the couch and cuddle with a glass of wine and music.

Forget the flowers and chocolate- real food and fun is the way to my heart! (I suppose the picture is true...)