Disappointment

Sometimes I really surprise myself with my reactions to certain situations. In this particular case I felt fine at first and then angry and pissed and sad and hurt and happy all at the same time.

My younger brother Chris and I have both applied to work for Peak Potentials Training because we love it. We both know that this is what we are meant to be doing. When I am at an event as Karma Krew, volunteering, I am there out of love and service and I will do anything to help make the event go smoother for both the krew and the participants. As it stands the core team on site treats both Chris and myself like core team. They give us more responsibility and have been training both of us on various core team positions so that when there is a spot on the team we are ready to be hired.

Thursday February 11th I had a call with Peaks at 2:30pm EST. It was a very nice and very appreciated, "We would love to be able to hire you now but it's just not in the cards at the moment. You are amazing and have great potential to be on the team at some point but right now we can only take on two people and you, sadly, are not one of them. Please trust the process and keep it up because you are awesome." I understood. I was perfectly fine with the outcome. Disappointed yes but ok none-the-less. Called my mom afterwards and let her know the outcome of the call.

Then I came home yesterday. While we were sitting down at dinner I remembered that Chris had a call at 7:30pm EST Thursday evening. So I asked how his call went and my mother's face dropped slightly. I automatically thought that meant he did not get the job either. But alas the face drop was sadness for me because he did get it. In all honesty here my stomach clenched and I was instinctively PISSED. I am being honest. The first thing that went through my mind was, 'why him and not me? I don't understand' I am truly happy for him because I know that this is what he is meant to be doing, I understand that for whatever reason he is needed now but it doesn't change the fact that I am disappointed.

I have known for a longer time that core team is where I wanted to be. My schedule is easier to work around. I have been at more events. There are all these things that keep saying I deserve it more. And then I stop and realize that Chris had in fact taken the step to be core team before I had. He took action and applied first. Did that have something to do with the decision? I have no clue but I suppose I am realizing that I am more pissed with myself for not having taken that step first and not believing in myself more.

I know I will be core. I know it at a cellular level in my body I just wish Chris and I could've been hired and gone through the process together.

Chris I am so proud of you and cannot wait to krew at your first core team event!