Success!

All I know is I need to write. What this post will end up being about I still have no idea. I know that as I type though, a line of thought is being created in my head and will guide me through this post. And sure enough there it is...

Guys. Or more so, relationships. I mean really how surprising could it possibly be that I of all people am called to write about relationships... again.

There has been an on going battle in my mind for the last two weeks or so. Some days it doesn't even phase me and others it seems to be all I can think of. I am primarily over it now, which is why I think I can write about it. I began a conversation with this guy back in May. We do not live in the same city, which clearly makes things a little more complicated. When we happened to be at the same event we hung out and when I was coming to his town we made plans. Had an awesome night.

I can see the possibility. He may also be able to see the possibility and maybe that's what caused the braking motion. Truth be told I am still not exactly sure what happened or what is going on for him and even if he were to explain it I will never full understand it because I am not him- it's really just that simple.

The one thing that I did discover- I did not have the urge to run!!! This may sound small and irrelevant since we are no longer, for lack of a better term to describe whatever we were, seeing each other however this is BIG for me. For the first time I was ready to take a stand and commit to seeing where our friendship and relationship could go. For the first time I was not the one saying, "I'm not sure this is a good idea." For the first time I was not the one backing off.

What does all that mean? Well in my rationalizing of it, it means that I am much closer to being ready for the right relationship to come into my life. I get that this was not the right one and that's okay, it was another learning experience for me and I hope that we can still get to know each other and be friends, and if not that's okay too. In the end I feel better and more being open to the possibility of something right coming in.

Success!

Jump Number 3

I have now jumped off of this bridge 3 times. Third time's a charm right? Well sorta...

On Friday August 9th a group of our team went up to the bridge to jump. I stayed back. I not only had no desire to jump that week I also had a burning desire to not be around a lot of people. After spending five days with over 370 people I needed some space. In the end I spent the day with my brother at the hospital because a spider bite he had was becoming infected. It may not have been what I had in mind for the day, however it was perfect.

Friday August 16th I wake up knowing we are going to the bridge and still thinking I am just going along for the ride and to say hi to the guys and thank you to Matt for always finding time for my groups to jump. Eventually we get in the car and begin the drive up...

I was enjoying the very fast car ride when my body suddenly felt different. At first I thought I was just getting queasy because of all the fast twists and turns of the highway up to Whistler but when I began to pay more attention to what I was really feeling it had nothing to do the the drive and everything to do with the fact that my body was preparing to jump.

I felt myself get nervous, excited, terrified and anxious all at the same time. My body knew I was going to jump long before my mind had come to the realization and agreement with itself. I had been battling with the idea of it all week. By the time I got to the bridge I knew I needed to do it even if it still took my mouth another 20 minutes to say the words out loud and commit to it.

This jump may have been my most "graceful" jump (I didn't flail nearly as much as the first two times) however it was also my most terrifying jump. My first jump I had a set release, my second was primarily adrenaline and excitement propelling me off the bridge, this time it was about letting go and purifying... although I am still not clear as to what I was letting go of.

Falling is just about the most exhilarating and terrifying feeling my body has ever experienced and this jump I felt it every second of the way down. Once I relaxed into the cord I had this overwhelming sense of ease and calmness come over me. I felt totally at peace and true to myself. Coming back up was when the purification came into play, the rain hit my face, drop by drop and cleansed whatever wonky energy I had going on from camp.

I am eternally grateful to the guys on the bridge who do such a brilliant job helping people take the step off the bridge into oblivion so they can feel what it's like to just let go and then be fully supported. Thank you Whistler Bungee!

Pursued

When life seems to be in disarray what do you do? I have discovered that I need to write. First I need to process with people out loud and then I sit down and write.

Something I have discovered that I want is structure. I am craving some form of routine. Within that routine I am craving an intimate relationship too. I have been hiding behind my travel schedule as a reason to not put myself out there and commit to being in a relationship- it's been so easy to hide!

In vocalizing that I really want to date and be in a relationship with another my wonderfully challenging friend Anthony asked me; "How do you want to be pursued?"

I stared at him dumbfounded. I had no words or even ideas for words to respond with. He made such a good point, "Veronica if you don't know how you want to be pursued how will you know that you are being pursued?!" Even now as I write this I am unsure of what may come through my typing...

I want someone to engage me in conversation, get to know me. I want them to be curious and courageous. I want them to ask me about myself and I want them to tell me about who they are. I am not really interested in what you do but I really want to know who you are and what you believe in.

I want someone to come up with interesting ways of interacting- fun and engaging dates where they call out my inner child (bowling, mini-putt etc... come to mind as options).

I also want the other side of that- nice intimate and romantic dinners where it's just us and we can talk all night, OR we can just sit on the couch and cuddle with a glass of wine and music.

Forget the flowers and chocolate- real food and fun is the way to my heart! (I suppose the picture is true...)

Disconnected

It's been about a week or so now that I have had this unrelenting feeling of being extremely disconnected. I am not sure if it's disconnection from source, from self, from others... It feels like it's all of the above.

I am at the airport right now, sitting at the window in the Air Canada lounge and contemplating why I have been feeling like this. I gotta say, it's really challenging to pin point. I am waiting for my flight to LA. I have two events over the next two weeks and I really should be excited about them............... I want to be............. I am not............ Normally I am at least really excited about seeing my incredible friends... and even that is currently just getting me onto the plane.

Ultimatley I simply feel ungrounded. I do not feel like I am in my body or like my spirit is at all connected to source. I feel like I am on auto pilot. I wake up, shower, dress, eat, putz around on my computer, read a little, maybe do something active that requires me to leave the house, sleep and then do it all over again the next day. I have had days like this before but right now it just feels like something is kicking my butt!

I know that there are things I could do to get me out of this energetic hole I seem to be in, yet I find it really challenging to actually do it! Yesterday I finally got back in the water and swam for awhile. Not as intensely as I need to shake this funk but at least I swam- it was a start to feeling like I was getting back into my body. This being said I now understand why some people LOVE to work out- it becomes a meditation, you can let go of the 'real world' and focus on the inner world.

Writing helps. Writing, thankfully has always helped me feel more connected, more grounded and more focused. I think because I process externally, whether it's by talking it out with someone or writing it out for myself- in my journal-, or writing a blog post where who knows how many people read it. There's something about writing that helps me gain clarity.

This time however, it's just helping me let go. I should not feel any particular way. I feel how I feel because that's how I feel. I do not need to justify it or explain it or make it go away. I just need to allow it the space it needs to be felt, and then I can move on from there. Life has it's ups and downs right? Sometimes I'm up and sometimes I'm down... and sometimes I have my eyes closed and have no clue where I am! (that's okay too!) 

Friendship

What is friendship? What does it really mean?

Over the course of my lifetime I have been extremely fortunate to have created some truly remarkable friendships with some amazing people. This past weekend while at a friends cottage I had some time to sit on my own on the dock, early in the morning. The lake was so peaceful and inviting. While sitting there I had the opportunity to look inside a little and gain some clarity about where I'm at.

I am sure I have written about what kind of intimate relationship I would like to create in my life and I have to say that I am realizing that's kind of what I look for in a friendship too. I suppose this is actually a really great realization since my ideal intimate relationship is based on friendship!

Anyway I had an "A-HA" moment of sorts while talking to another friend last night. To me friendship is about being around people who call out your gifts and the best of you. Friends are people who always call out your best- even when you feel at your worst. They stick by you, trust you, empower you, cherish you and will do the best they can to support you. These are, in the most basic terms- and one that I am coming to love more and more, the people who have your back.

There are times when I feel like I am so in my own thing that I am not really there for my friends. There are other time when I feel the same is true for them. The balance becomes, how do I find a way to be there for myself, support and honor what I need, while still being there for them? Sometimes I have to say no to things they ask, even though I want to support them.

How many people do you have in your life that you trust implicitly to have your back? I actually have a lot more than I thought when I began writing this post. Now as I sit here typing I realize just how fortunate I really am with the incredible people I have in my life. You know exactly who you are and I am incredibly grateful for each and every one of you.