Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Fling by definition

I managed to get myself into a relationship with a friend of mine who I really like spending time with and really get along with. That being said this was set as a very easy and relaxed situation in which I was not getting attached. He just got out of a four year relationship and I was not looking for anything super committed right now- it was to be a fling.

A fling by definition according to the free dictionary online: "A brief period of indulging one's impulses. A brief sexual or romantic relationship." This definition pretty accurately describes what we were going through even though we really care about each other. And clearly since I am writing in the past tense here it was short lived!

Anyway it turns out that after taking some time to think about what he really wants it's his ex. I wish I could say that this news did not affect me because I was not attached. Alas this was not the case. I am not sure exactly what I was more disappointed in; the fact that our fling was now over or that he decided he wanted her more than me or that he decided to go back to a relationship that isn't so good for him. I'm not sure that I'll ever really know which one was the most annoying part.

In discussing it with my dad though I realized that I am pretty darn disappointed about our fling being over because it means that there really isn't any potential of it becoming more than that Make sense? And yet I keep saying that I am not quite ready for a big serious and committed relationship. Here it dawned on me. No wonder he didn't stick around! No wonder no guy of any real potential has entered my life! I'm repelling them! By continuing to say that I'm not ready for a big relationship the universe is not sending me anything!

The even more confusing part for the universe must be that I also continue to say that I am open and willing to receive the right guy in my life. Then a great guy enters and I make it clear to him that I am not ready for a 'real' relationship! I mean really how is the universe supposed to respond now?! Even though I have now realized and I understand what's going on I'm not entirely sure how to go about changing it, because I do want to find the right guy but I also want to just have some fun and relaxed relationships before then... How do I make that clear? Not too sure....

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